Kiki the Parrot's Adventures

friendship

2009-11-13T04:52:00.002+08:00

I'm worried. Mostly of people that I love so much. I have always have this problem of over worrying of people that I love (read: friends, boyfriend - although none at the moment, sister, parents, grandmom). Some actually freak out because I tend to get over protective but yeah.

So here's the thing. A friend of mine, he seems like a brother to me. I've been worrying over his health. He's working, and I think he's overworked himself. He doesn't really pay attention to his meals, and I've been wondering whether he starts smoking again or not (although he promised me that he wouldn't smoke anymore). He gets really busy, and I have my uni stuff to deal with too that we rarely talk as much as we used to on MSN anymore.

Then there's another friend of mine. He's, oh well, let's just said, fucked up. Won't give you detail, but I really feel sorry for him. In the same time I've been in his girl's position, but I can't hate him because he's my bestfriend, no matter how fucked up he is. He didn't sound so good when we talked on MSN, and I couldn't get myself to say something smart either. I really wish I could say something brilliant to make him feel better, but apparently I couldn't. Because really. When I was so down from my break up (which was kind of long ago), he was the one that knocked some sense to me.

And my lovely bestfriend, one of very FEW close girl friends I have. She was sick the last time I contacted her, and it was bothering her because she has exam coming. And I haven't heard from her for awhile now, and it's really bothering me. I've messaged her, but I guess she's definitely not awake at this hour simply because she's like 11 hours ahead of my time zone.

Another girl friend of mine seems to be really stressed out with her P.Hd program. She's rarely online and she seems to be missing everything she had when she was in her undergraduate years. A gay friend of mine, seems to be missing and it makes me feel guilty each time I remember him because I realise that I don't really make the effort to contact him although we are only 20 mins away from each other.

At times like this, I really wish I can use my cooking skill into a good use and cook for him just to make sure he eats properly. Or give him a hug and tell him that what's done is done and it's the consequence of what he did, and that at least it was the right thing to do. And maybe being the one that take care of her food when she's sick and helps her to study so she's prepared for exam. Or maybe having the courage to call all the way there just to make sure that she doesn't feel lonely and that she's managing her new life as a GTA. And probably, I should start agreeing with him to go to the gay bars with him just for the sake of him having fun once in a while.

I wish I can do a little bit more because as for now, all I have is my family and them. How much I wish I can do more than just talking to them on MSN or Skype. I hate distance.

bad mood!

2009-10-23T16:13:00.002+08:00

I feel like hitting something, killing someone, or tearing something apart. Anything. It's only 9am and damn it I'm in such a bad mood. For some weird reason I'm just a bit a moody.

Nothing is worse, worse than getting moody without any reason!!

Or maybe there's a reason, but I just don't realise it yet.

Sigh.

UK

2009-10-23T04:47:00.002+08:00

OMFG. How long has it been since I last updated?! So yeah, I'm in UK. I still have difficulty in accepting the fact that OMG I'm in UK! LOL. I'm exaggerating, I know.

So what's new? Well, my flatmates are pretty nice. Paulina is generally nice. Ellen is cute and really bubbly. And Pam is a nice chatmate to have during dinner and such. It's just the four of us, and we have totally different schedule. I see Ellen most of the time because she's just like me, she stays at home most of the time. Pam and I often prepare our dinner together, pretty much because our dinner time is about the same. And oh, we cook separately of course. And Paulina. She seems to be nice, but I rarely meet her. She's with her boyfriend most of the time.

Classmates. I love almost everyone there. Julie is definitely the best. She's English, but used to lived in New Zealand for two years. I can say that she's the closest to me. Then there's Sonia, a Slovakian. She has American accent and is really easy to get along to. And she's bubbly too! We often go back to Raleigh Park together. In fact, I find myself sitting with Julie and Sonia most of the time. And oh, we are going to Oxford this saturday. I'm pretty excited about it. Then there's Tracy, a Chinese girl. She's really nice and all. And she gave me this chinese balm when I was sick. Potential good friend I must say. And Yker! Omg, he's so cute! As in for a twenty seven years old guy, I find it easy to get along with him. And he's Venezuelan. He's accent is really soothing for some reason.

The other Indonesians. Ehm. There's Bilah, which I knew back since when I was in Malaysia. We do grocery shopping together! She's just lovely. There's Janefer and the brother Ivan. Quite unique siblings. Then Gianni, a funny guy. Michelle! OMG! She's the true food lover! She can eat more that I do, and she's still skinny! And she's hilarious too! The rest, em, I don't know them that well yet, but I kind of like Ima and Ann. They're really nice.

Oh! Milton gave me a brown scarf. He bought it online and got it sent to me. ROFL. To be honest, my own scarf is like way thicker than the one he gave me, but hey! At least he gave me something, which pretty weird because he never gave me anything. But I kind of like it. The colour is subtle and it can match any of my clothes. Unlike my pink/purple/indigo or basically colourful thick scarf which i think more suitable for winter.

Ehm.. Let me think of what else I've missed. Oh Kelvin! He's JC's classmate. Omg. This guy is just plain cute! He's like the type of little brother that you would want to bully every single day. Of course, other than the fact that he's actually twenty three years old. And trust me, he's just 165-167cm. ROFL. SHORT! More reason to bully him. But it's fun to hang out with him. He's easy to get along with and guess what, he can speak Japanese!! Sensei!!!!!! I'm so making him to improve my Japanese! ROFL.

First month in Nottingham, UK. And I find it pretty lively and colourful so far. And I'm adapting well.

It's his birthday

2009-09-13T03:30:00.003+08:00

I would never forget that very first love I had. I would never forget how calm and addicting his voice was. Who would imagine that it all started with him singing those beautiful notes. Who would have imagined that distance weren't really a problem from him and I. Well, at least not until I got my ass to across the border line, but we were good.

It's his birthday. I remember well. The birthday of someone that was the very first important person in my heart. I used to call on his birthday. Three times, I believe, of those almost three years we had. He always pretended that he was shocked that I remembered. How could I forgot such an important date?! Even until now, I still remember. On every 13th of September, I always remember. He was so far, but yet so close.

Now, when he was just a few miles away from me, I have no courage to actually go and meet him. How long has it been since we called it quit?! Four years? Five? I don't know. And I do not want to know. I do not want to know how long it has been for be to be so pathetic still think of him as someone important.

Do I still love him? Maybe, I don't know. But I can feel that I need to remember his presence, because without him, I won't be who I am right now. It was him that made me discover the beauty of the religion that I believe in. It was him the one that made me believe that I should not just be a muslim on my ID, but deep inside my heart as well. I have to say that I'm still far from what he said a soleha. But I know that without him, I wouldn't even take the first step to be one.

I still remember those little sneaking up that we did because we didn't want my parents to find out about us. I still remember how he used to sing the song that I made until I was so sick of my own song. I still remember how his writing looks like. And I always love the way he address himself with his name and the way he called my name. He never treated me like a kid, no matter how much he knew how mature he were and how I was being such a brat.

It's his birthday. And all I did was sending him an sms. I still haven't found the courage to say "Thank you for what we had." Because we never really had any fight. We never really had any argument. We were just being there for each other.

Sigh. Really. Thank you for what we had. And happy birthday.

how to stop this?

2009-08-22T21:19:00.003+08:00

JC said I should stop being passive and start making my move. I thought it was possible, but really when I got basically no respon from whatever I do, I literally just gave up. Please someone remind me again why I'm stuck in this stupid situation?!

It's like I'm being worried about something that is not even confirmed yet. Or I'm being paranoid over something that I know might not even there. Not only that, those little hopes that keep on popping out each time are killing me. Please.. stop.

I'm not the type of person that actually really care about something like this, but I always end up brust when my heart cannot take it already. I actually cried, just like that. I woke up just like any other day, and I just started crying. I didn't know why, but I just did. I was supposed to be driving that day, but thank god Pris was being a great best friend like she had always been and decided to drive my car to Cinileasure that day.

Seriously, it really does come to the point where I feel like such a loser. I really do not understand why. But I want to show my affection, and I believe I do. Yet it seems like it fails. Even until now honestly. When I thought it's finally over (because JC told me that I wouldn't have to be bothered about it after exam ended), things turned out to be different. Unexpected, and it reminds me of how I feel.

Stop.. please.

Miracles

2009-08-18T19:28:00.008+08:00

I wasn't the one that experience it. It was merely just a role that I play. How long has it been? About eight months, I believe. It was just a role. Writting out from his point of view, controlling his every move, as well as deciding on what type of person he is. It was really, just a role that I play. Never really thought playing such role would end up giving me the best lesson ever. On how important it is for us to actually be thankful of those little miracles that are given.

Have I even actully thought that being able to breathe, walk, see, and live is actually a miracle? I don't think so. Being born, being taken care for, and being guided are miracles. We were just born with those little inactive brain cells. Learning process was all we took to become what we are today. Have I ever realised that those songs that I learned how to sing when I was small actually helping me to activate those brain cells? It's brilliant, the way those brain cells work with just a little stimulating from simple routine.

To think that we were just nothing but two different sets of chromosomes, it's amazing how these created a human being. And how those DNA lines managed to form our personality, our hair colour, our face, and even something like skin colour. Somehow, I feel excited when I see a pregnant lady. I was like, "She's going to have the greatest miracle ever."

Okay. Now, I sound as if I want kids of my own -___-"

Anyway, back to main topics. So this role of mine that I've been playing for quite sometimes really make me feel that there are lots of simple things that I often miss out. I never really noticed how much simple conversation can often makes you feel better. Say, it is early morning and being greeted kindly with some simple questions like "Have you had your breakfast?" or "What are you planning to do today?" actually boosts up your mood. If the first thing in the morning that you get is some hard scold and criticism, the chance of your day being misarable is really high.

What I notice from my summer holiday is how much a little privacy sometimes makes me feel better. The day when I can have my time in front of my laptop right after I wake up actually makes me less moody. Typical awesome day will be waking up from my own alarm, turning the laptop on and put on some music, brush teeth, and I'll be walking around the house just for the sake of letting everyone knows that I'm awake. Then things tend to get easier. When my mom asks me to go out with her, despite the fact that I have nothing to do with it, I tend to just agree with it - unlike any other day when I wake up because of the banging on my door and the grumpy noise outside my room and me walking to the bathroom lazily and unwillingly where my chances of saying NO is much higher.

In short, our way of treating people around us will indeed create some sort of "miracle", simply because I believe that a good day is a bless and it is counted as a miracle.

I don't know what I'm writing really. But yeah.

My my-pace attitude.

2009-05-25T21:23:00.002+08:00

I have a my-pace problem since like long ago. So what is this my-pace problem?! It's when I'm doing stuff according to my own pace, obviously. It's not only about when I'm doing stuff in one-two-three-done only, but also when I'm taking my own sweet time at doing something as well. Which one of these two that I often do?! It's pretty obvious, the taking-my-own-sweet-time one. Yeah. I'm always late for class, for like five minutes and so. Or when I promise to meet up with my friends. But really. everyone seems pretty much okay with it.

Yet, occasionally, when I just feel like it, or when it's something that needs to be carefully planned out (I like to do things step by step and according to schedule), I will have this I-want-to-do-it-now-and-fast attitude. I don't like last minute work when it involves people around me. When it's only me (things like studying or cleaning up my room and stuff), I don't mind taking my time because it will only affect me and myself alone. And I can still force myself not to sleep the night before exam or force myself to sit in front of the lappy ten hours non-stop. I can mentally bare it (sometimes my body can't). But when it involves not just me, I like to plan it out and carefully think of it, and yet get it done quick.

A certain occasion where my friends and I are going to have a graduation trip is currently pissing me off. I made the schedule as fast as I can, asked my mom about accommodation, as well as transport, and I gave my mom our full names for Jogja's tickets. I got almost everything I need to get done, DONE! I even bought my ticket. One of my friend was about to buy the ticket just with the same time with me, but she got problem with her card, that she would have to do it later. That, I'm totally fine with it. Because it's something that cannot be avoided. Yet, another friend of mine have to buy the ticket later than us because she has some problem with her parents.

At one glance, I know that it seems that the last case is unavoidable as well. Or is it?! I've been telling her to ask her parents since like long ago because I know that her parents are pretty strict just like mine, that something like this has to be discussed long before the planned day. I've asked my mom about this since the day I started my third year so that in future I wouldn't have to have any kind of quarrel with her. On the other hand, she said her side is just totally fine and there's nothing to be worried about. Which actually turn out that I have to worry about it now. I hate it when things aren't just according to plan. Yes, I'm being unrealistic, but this is something that supposedly can be prevented from the beginning.

People find this side of me (the I want to get it done quick) annoying. They tend to dislike it. Thing of it as arrogant and selfish. Yes, I admit it. But I've been in the fast track since I was young and it's really difficult to change it. I have to admit that I never didn't get anything that I want. When I wanted an iPod but my dad didn't want to buy it for me, I didn't find it as a problem. I saved some of my allowance and bought it myself. When I wanted a car, my dad said that my mark wasn't good enough to make me eligible to get one. So I worked my ass off so I could get a car. That was how I grew up. Setting up a target, and do whatever I can to get it.

Some said I'm rich and lucky and bla bla bla bla. They just do not know how I got all that. My phone, I bought all of them by saving money from my allowance (not the latest one, because it was a birthday gift). My gadgets like my iPod or wacom graphic tablet, I saved up money to buy them. My camera, yes, this one I have to admit I got it because my dad got sick of it and decided to give it to me. But I was halfway of saving my money to get my own when I got it. Some actually say that I spend alot when I shop. Yes, I do. But really, how many times do I actually go out for shopping?! Like once every one semester?! And some say that it's just ridiculous to buy a KAT-TUN original cd or dvd. So?! I appreciate their music and I pretty much think that the entertainment that I got from it is worth paying for. It's not my problem that they don't like KAT-TUN.

One more thing. I don't get this one friend of mine. Sometimes I feel like I'm part of his circle, yet the next thing I know, I'm not. I can find my self being around his friends and him for like a couple of days, and after that I find myself back in my own pace, doing everything myself, or back with my best friend. It's just somehow tiring when you are part of so many circles of friends. I went to computer lab with my best friend, and his friends and he were there. Okay, I was in a rush and was quite pissed from some incident where my housemate just simply make me have to pay first for my other friend for next three months house rent, that I didn't really greet them. At least one of them, who happens to be Indonesian too, greeted me, and I greeted him back. I could literally heard some of them say, "She's here~.." to this one friend of mine. I glanced at him, and he didn't even bother to look at me, and pretended to look cool. "Eh? She's here?" he replied his friend. If I were you, who do you think the she here?! Obviously you would think that it was you, right?! RIGHT?! What am I?! A statue standing just not far away from him.

I was kind of busy booking my ticket and stuff that I didn't have time to engage in any kind of conversation with him or the rest of his gank. Again, my pace attitude. It's killing my reputation sometimes. Then I walked over to his friend who was sitting in front of him, asking for a calculator. Then to the one beside him, and at the end to him. I talked loud enough for him to hear it but he didn't say anything about HAVING a calculator until I asked him personally! Argh! He even didn't actually look at me when he said he had it or when he gave it to me! I was like blaaaahhhhhh!! AM I ONE OF YOUR CLOSE FRIEND OR NOT?! Please make it clear, dude! Sometimes calls me up for dinner, some other time he didn't even bother my where about.

I think. I'm just tired. I really need to stop being so taking my time or so doing it with my own fast speed, or I will get mentally tired all the time like this. When I feel like doing something extremely quick or fast, but carefully planned, it wears me out. Mentally. And people around me sometimes doesn't understand that. I'm a moody person, and yes I'm aware of that. It's not that I'm not trying to change it, I am trying. So yeah.

You?! Mature?! You gotta be kidding me!

2009-05-02T16:37:00.003+08:00

The title says it all after all. Yes, really. I get that a lot! When I say I'm mature, people will tend to give me a disapproving look. I may not act like an adult, but it doesn't mean I'm not mature. I'm twenty, people. Keep that in mind please. Have you seen anyone that is about the same age as I am?! Does any one of them act like I do?! I bet, no. None of them.

On average, my friends are around 21-22 years old, and quite a number of them are 23-25 years old. I've been the youngest since my pre-u time. It's just an obvious fact that I will act childish or act less mature than anyone of them, but really, don't you guys realise that I act older than I am?! Another friend of mine, just a few months older than me (and yet I call him uncle XP~), is just another similar case. He's even worse maybe. He acts too old for his age. Hahaha..

Anyway, back to the main topic. Not being rascal or doing what others are doing doesn't make me any less mature. And it doesn't mean I'm naive and just a kid and do not know the real world. No, I don't smoke. No, I don't drink. And no, I don't go clubbing. That doesn't make me any less mature than anyone else. I believe in my religion and have been trying my best to live my life up to its standard.

But, it doesn't make me a holy person that you have the right to judge me if I do something wrong. I mess up sometimes, of course. I swear a lot, and I'm working my ass off to stop swearing. I did some bad stuff that you wouldn't even want to know what. But I don't have to tell the whole world about it. And so I wear veil, but please, stop asking me "Can I see your hair?! I wanna see I wanna see". Well, too bad if you are a guy, unless you are married to me or my relative, then you wouldn't get to see it. Seriously, each time you ask me to show you my hair, there is a certain part of me that wants to. Wants to just show you the newest hair style I have. Wants to show the rest of the world that I'm just like any other young adult; victim of fashion (Yes, I dyed and highlighted my hair. I even permed it!). And if you ask me a simple question like, "Will you show your hair to your boyfriend?" I will definitely answer you with "No, I won't". But I'm a normal human being, and by saying so, I know that deep inside I won't mind my boyfriend seeing my hair at all. Like I said, I mess up too.

It's hard. Really. To try to hold to what I believe in. Don't tell me that I'm a good girl and I don't know how it feels like to be fucked up. I know how it feels like, okay. Maybe our definition of being fucked up is different. But really, doesn't it mean only one thing; you messed up. I messed up lots of times before. Big time. No one has the idea of how hard it is not to be tempted but everything around you. Do you have any idea how tempting it is to see someone smoking?! Or drinking?!

Smoking is the hardest part. My dad smokes, my cousins smoke, and most of my close friends smoke. There is always this urge to try it out, thinking that maybe by doing so I can forget about my problem for awhile and able to enjoy that one little moment of sweetness. I have asthma, and smoking is not an option for me. Drinking?! I know a lot about it, for someone that don't drink. I know the brands, the names, the mixtures, and bla bla bla. Have it ever occur to you that deep down I want to try it too? To at least know how it tastes like?! To know how sophisticated it feels to taste that one glass of tequila mixed with orange juice and grenadine syrup?! The colour itself has tempted me so much.

Back to what I was saying earlier; not doing or acting like an adult doesn't make me any less mature than anyone else. Or less screwed up like anyone else. I believe that being able to restrain myself from doing stuff that I believe I shouldn't do is an act of maturity itself. Not even adults themselves have the courage or will to do so.

I don't mind being called childish in a joking way, but it does get to my nerves sometimes when people say I'm the good girl and I don't know how it feels like to be fucked up, at the end of the day implying the fact that I don't smoke, drink, or do clubbing thus I don't know how it feels like to be them. In fact, I do. Because I see these kind of thing regularly in my everyday life. And I don't have to be fucked up to actually know how it feels like to be literally fucked up.

Gu Gu Gah Gah!

2009-03-30T17:40:00.002+08:00

I'm trying to be this one optimistic girl that I was once. But really, don't you find it harder to do so the older you get?! One thing I realised about age is that, it is indeed will affect how you potray life and how you would react to a certain reaction. Upon a realisation of how the world is actually not as naive as it seems, I realise that an old song from my home country, where it says that world is merely just a stage with human being as acting on it, is not just based on something empty.

The possibility of what you say is just an act, or merely something to avoid conflict, keeps on getting higher by every tick that the clock made. I'm aware of how thick the mask I'm wearing at the moment. Particularly because I believe people don't really see me as I am. They see only what I want them to see. The impression of me from a friend will be totally different from another friend. Reason? Pretty simple. I wear different mask and act differently to different people.

So, does that mean I'm fake? Not necessarily. Those masks are pretty much part of the self identity that I claim to have. I have many. Lots of them. I can define myself both from the positive point of view and negative point of view. So, who am I actually? That will be totally depend on which side of me I'm showing you. You can assure that I'm pretty not close to you if I act REALLY nice. Getting involve with someone that don't interest me or I don't really comfortable to be with are not something I like. I will most probably keep some distance.

So what if I'm being really mean and yet in the same time always sounds polite and nice to you? Simple. I don't like you. I tend to criticize those that I despise a lot. Every single thing that comes out from their mouth is just another opportunity to actually throw some knives around, if possible directly to them. Yet in the same time, I don't like to be a bitch. Or at least that obvious. It would be one reason why I will still act nice and polite to you. But really, this one is a very rare occasion.

Then you might start wondering around, what about when I'm actually being sarcastic, always tease you around, never praise you, and yet always there with you when you ask me to? Oh come on, I'm pretty sure that you are not an idiot. Just simply because I love you!! I'm not good at expressing my feelings to those that I love. Saying "I love you" to them usually something pretty absurd for me. But when I actually do say it, I ALWAYS mean it. Of course despite the fact that I might say that I was just joking after that, I really actually ALWAYS mean it.

So what's love for me?! Loads of thing. I love my family and friends. Love is not just something I feel towards someone that I got attracted to (read: crush, boyfriend, husband). It has a wide meaning, really.

Probably by you start to wondering how all this related to my first statement of how I would love to become this one optimistic girl again. Very simple. By accepting the fact that human being is complex and that reality might actually just a play on a glamorous stage, I can start thinking more positively.

Oh.. It's 6pm.. Gotta go. Dinner date (read: this is a massive lie)

Ended. And shit it hurts.

2009-02-23T06:19:00.004+08:00

Dear my love,

I've been thinking about it. I've been wanting to end it. But I never expect it to hurt so much when it actually did. Oh yeah. It ended.

I didn't even cry, but I'm fully aware that my heart is currently bleeding. It feels so painful. Maybe it's my ego that makes me do not even want to cry, but I would be lying if I said I was actually happy with what we had. Probably I was, in the beginning. But lately it had been more towards hurting me than making me happy.

I loved you, and still am loving you. But I've been realising all this time that it seemed to be not working out and yet I had been trying my best to fix it. Maybe it was just because we never meant to be. Or maybe we are better off as friends.

Do I feel regret? No, I don't. It taught me something important. Probably it's my lost, or maybe it's actually your lost and not mine. It doesn't matter anymore though. The fact that we ended it without even trying to fix it is a proof enough for me, that none of us bothered about this anymore.

Still. I didn't expect it to be so painful.

-------------

Dear Dini,

Thank you so much to listen to me rambling about this at 6am in the morning. You have no idea how much you actually make me feel relieved and better with your words. You've been the greatest friend I ever had and those words meant alot to me. I wouldn't be able to make it through the morning if it wasn't because of you.

Just like what you said before. Maybe it's for the best. And I believe that this is just God giving me a new beginning. Nek, thanks alot for being there for me when I need a shoulder to cry on. Love you.

i'm not sure honey..

2009-02-20T16:04:00.002+08:00

There are so much I want to tell you about. About my life, about people around me, about how I've been doing. But it seems so hard each time. You just don't let me to. From the way you write, from the fact that you share with me, you just don't give me the space to say something about how I've been doing.

I know it has been hard on you with all that, but I feel left out. I'm trying my best to be supportive, but it has come to the point where I don't even know what else to say or where we are standing right now. I'm an extrovert, everyone knows that. This is the very first time in my life that I can't even say a thing about my self. Not because I do not want to, but my tongue just ties it self and refuses to say anything. I feel reluctant to say anything.

Just because my stupid unconscious mind keeps on telling me, "It's not worth it to tell you anything, because you don't even bother to find out about how I've been doing. Or just to tell me that at least you are still alive."

I'm not sure honey. I'm not sure how long I can last.

Actually. Not.

2009-02-15T01:57:00.002+08:00

I'm not smiling. Yet I still write :) on every chance I have.

I'm not amused. Yet I will still write ROFL.

I'm not alone. Yet I know that something is still missing.

I'm not dumb. Yet I still hold onto this meaningless hope.

I'm not loved. Yet I still make sure that you feel loved.

I'm not satisfied. Yet I can't tell you about it.

Or to be exact..

I can't tell you about anything anymore.

My heart just won't let me.

My heart is screaming no more of this.

My heart does not want to feel the emptiness.

My heart does not want to give effort that at the end is not mutual.

Yet.

I'm happy actually.

Not.

Not Logical

2009-02-11T22:27:00.002+08:00

I thought I would definitely feel so happy when it happened, but I didn't. There is something in human's feeling that is really hard to understand. The part where you heart just never goes according to logic. I've lost contact with someone for quite sometimes. Usually we always talked to each other every single day and had fun doing so.

I'm not sure about her, but when we finally contact each other again, I just ran out of topics. Logically speaking, I would have about tons of stuff to talk about because I haven't talked to her for the past few weeks. Yet, I couldn't even say anything interesting. Not even the fact that, let say, I'm worried over my result that is coming out tomorrow.

It seemed that there is this distance between the two of us that make us unable to communicate like we use to. Ehm.. Not logical, really. Especially considered how close the two of us are.

Yet again, there is a possibility of me being mad at her quite some times ago. Maybe, I feel reluctant to share all the happiness and sadness that I had encountered for the past few weeks. That is just a maybe. And yet maybe, I just need my time.

To be honest, it takes quite sometimes for me to forgive someone. I take grudge easily, and it is quite difficult for me to forget. It may not seem as if I'm mad or agree at someone, but if you are pretty close to me, it would be obvious because I tend to talk less at time like this.

And illogically, I would easily forgive someone if he/she directly said sorry and started to act as if nothing happened.

Probably this is exactly what happened between me and her. No one did anything wrong, it was just me being mad at her a few weeks ago, for reason that I must admit was quite selfish. It seems that because she is also acting a little awkward talking to me that I found it really hard to have a conversation.

And yes, probably I just need to take my time.

By the way, result is coming out tomorrow. *dies*

weird

2008-12-17T17:06:00.002+08:00

it is really weird really.. to find out that i can work best under pressure and with my room in such a mess.. during the whole semester, i've been trying my best to actually keep my room clean.. but the thing is.. instead of studying or concetrate on my assignment, i'll be having too much fun browsing the internet or playing around with photoshop or writing some updates for my fictions..

surprisingly, since early of this month, my room is in such a mess that i even do not have any word to describe how horrible its condition is.. even more to my surprise, i managed to finish my IBS in such condition and started my AMC..

ignoring the desk, i've been doing the assignment on my bed.. weird, really.. my bed is full of lecture notes and journals that i've printed out.. at times like this, i'm glad i borrowed my sister lappy's cooler that now i can use my lappy as long as i want in my bed..

i still have IBS bibliography to do, and 2500 more words to write for AMC.. and guess wat.. i need to see my lecturer tomorrow to check my AMC assignment.. i think i'm gonna stay up late again today.. hahaha..

i need my time

2008-12-07T00:19:00.003+08:00

i js do not want to talk to anyone right now.. just go away..
just leave me alone..
i don't wanna feel anything..
i'm sick of all this..

js.. let me be for awhile..

js something i've been wondering..

2008-12-06T23:48:00.004+08:00

not noticing..
not looking for..
not worrying when no news were said..
not sparing some of the time when busy..
not sharing the hardship..
not even sharing the happiness..
not asking any question..
not giving sacrifices..
not making it sounds special in someway..
not doing the first initiative..
not caring about the where about..

i wonder..

how people can live with this..

things i fucking need to do!!

2008-11-19T23:27:00.002+08:00

1. clean my room!!
2. do my laundry!
3. wash my car!!
4. finish my assignments!!
5. start studying for exam!!
6. buy magazines!!
7. be happy!! :)

hahahaha.. pointless post..

ironic

2008-11-17T22:58:00.003+08:00

sometimes i see you crying to your sleep..
sometimes i feel like giving you my sleeve..
although i've lost my mind..
although i've cried in mind..

i've been trying..
just to make.. you.. smile..
just to make.. you.. smile..

i know sometimes you don't want me to be here..
i know you hate it when i want to be clear..
although i know you're mine..
although i don't feel fine..

i've been trying..
just to make.. you.. smile..
just to make.. you.. smile..

running and fighting just to keep you here ..
running and fighting just to make you feel..
running and fighting..
running and fighting..
for you..

but at least..
i've seen your smiling face..
i've seen your shining face..

sometimes i feel like crying to my sleep..
sometimes i feel like drowning to the see..

i wrote this song when i was on my first year of university life.. i wasn't in such a emo mood or what so ever during that time.. three years from that day, when i remembered the lyric and such.. i realise how ironic it is.. that this song perfectly describes how i feel and think right now..

ironic..

i'm crying hard..

2008-11-09T12:36:00.002+08:00

i've been crying.. since last night.. hard..
it's even the first thing i did when i woke up..

i dunnoe why..
i dun understand this..
i dun understand my self..

shit.. i'm even crying writing this..
something is totally wrong..
i need a break..
from i dunnoe what..

the whole this is js confusing..
i feel like i'm alone..
my wings are burned and my heart went black..
or anything as sarcastic as that..

no one is holding my back..
or it's js hw fucked up i feel i am rit nw..

reason?!?!
there's no reason.. i js dun understand the reason..
i think i'm selfish..
i think i'm possesive..
but yet, i think i'm alone..

a shoulder that i wish i could cry onto.. would never come..
because it's js impossible..

i hate distance..

so, how i've been..

2008-10-31T13:07:00.002+08:00

nothing much really.. been busy with uni stuff.. geez.. there are so much to do and so little time.. i feel like my assignments are not progressing at all! oh my god.. T__T.. God, help me!!

so i have three assignments.. supposedly, i tend to like assignments better than exams.. but i just feel like i don't have enough time!! and it's already the fifth week of Autumn semester.. everything due on the freaking December.. i have only about a month and two weeks to finish all these freaking assignment.. arrgghhh!!! die die die die die!!

anyway, i've been having a better relationship with my friends.. it's not that we were in a fight or anything.. but slowly, i start to feel the togetherness again.. just like when we were all still in 1st year of uni..

last year was a total regret for me.. we started to walk with our own new group, and somehow i didnt feel sad or anything about it.. but lately, maybe.. i realised that maybe it was just me that didnt try hard enough to stay close..

when i had a little "self-confusion" over myself, i realised how much i actually still need them and want them around so badly.. i felt like i only can talk about my problem to them.. only to them, and no one else.. the moment some of them also share their problem to me, made me even sure that they are where i belong to.

so yeah.. i'm glad that we are all together again.. (i sound so fucking cheesy)..

anyway!!! tse tyng has been corrupting my mind with Mandarin songs!! even rit now, i'm listening to this one jay chou's song that she sent me!! i hate the fact that it reminds me that i actually have forgotton soooooooo many (or even actually all of it) Mandarin's words that i've learn.. arrrggghhhh...

oh yeah.. my sister finally admitted that she LOVES hikaru!! huahahahaha!! i'm so corrupting her mind with too much japanese stuff.. it's about time she'll love the whole hey!say!JUMP, and maybe shounen-ai.. ROFL..

ok.. dat's all for now.. i'll try to update everyday like i used to again.. ^^

UPDATES!!!

2008-10-29T12:10:00.003+08:00

1. i'm madly in love..
2. it's almost a month, isnt it?
3. i literally dream of you every night.. hehehehe..
4. i skipped only twice from class so far.. well done
5. assignments are driving me crazy..
6. i wish Bumhoff (i think dat's hw i should pronounce his name) can talk "english" instead of "dutch" in class..
7. i'm loving my psychology class.. totally love it..
8. the moment i stop trying to get close to this certain group, i actually managed to get closer and more attached to my lovely "Eerrs".. and i have a couple of new close friends.. awesomeness..
9. i love writing, and i cant deny that..
10. i have a better sleeping hour this sem.. well done..
11. i wish i can go to japan.. amen..
12. being in love reminds me how great it feels to do something for someone you care about.. hopefully, i can become a better person..
13. i shall make myself more organised..
14. PGS tutorial in 45 minutes.. i should go now.. (pointless point, but whatever.. hahaha)

~Qconk~

fed up

2008-10-21T22:39:00.001+08:00

i'm so sick of all this!!!
this is seriously somehow pissed me off!!
i hate it when i know nothing about everything!!

it kills me to realise that all of it might just be a lie!!
a big fat lie that has played or still is playing trick on my mind!!
i'm so fed up of all this non-sense!!

geez.. i need to chill..

cheesy

2008-10-15T22:09:00.005+08:00

seriously it was really refreshing to be able to see your face again..
kind of nervous at times because it's different this time around..
oh yeah dear.. it was like as if i saw the most beautiful thing ever..

it was so amusing too see how you acted all shy..
it was even more amusing when i told you that you were actually cute as you smiled and blushed..
hahahahaha.. i'm such a meanie..
but yeah.. you were, no you are cute..

being the older one sometimes made me too full of myself.. and i'm glad u told me that..
it has a really nice feeling when someone you love being honest to you about something they don't like about you..
and yet again.. aint i still the luckiest person alive that you still accept me although i'm sometimes full of myself??

the smiles were really something that made feel happy to have you, really..
it has more meaning to it with the fact that we don't see each other that often..
how much i wish you can come over.. and i know how much you wish i can come over..
but isn't distance something that makes you somehow feel lot more closer to me in my heart, instead of physically..

this entry sounds so cheesy, but yeah.. maybe you'll see more of this..
ahahahaha..

realisation

2008-10-13T20:44:00.002+08:00

i really need to sit down and think of what i've done.. i kind of realise that i'm very lucky.. as the matter of fact, i just never tried to see my life from different perspective.. not everyone got the chance to study abroad.. not everyone got the chance to get what i have..

it drives me crazy lately how things turned out to keep reminding me of God.. i feel guilty of sometimes just taking the Khaliq as granted.. i'm nothing compare to the beauty and curving curves of universe that was created by the Khaliq.. i'm not in a position to be proud of what i can do best with that stupid photoshop CS3..

it hurts even more to realise how much i've been neglecting my Quran reading.. seeing Agha studies the Quran eagerly made me realised that the Rahman still wants me to be a better person.. still wants me to come back to the peaceful and right path that i was once in.. i feel blessed that the Rahim still gives me sign to realise what i did wrong.. i don't need my dad yapping around scolding me for not reading the Quran.. i need me to realise it myself..

worse.. i just have no idea how i feel about the whole thing.. i can't let go.. i'm madly driven with the joy and the feel of my heart skipping some beats each time.. on msn.. on comments... and of course on sms.. i feel like calling, but sadly i'm not that rich.. i cant stand the international rate.. but in all those joy and love, i've been wondering.. am i doing the right thing?? will i manage to stay in the correct path that the Quddus wants me to follow??

i'm in a dilema.. i dont want to let go, but i keep getting signs..

maybe.. just maybe.. it's something i need to go through.. it's something that will give me the opportunity to become a better person.. but i cant let go.. i'm not ready to let go.. i know that there is no attachment to begin with.. but start to feel that we unconsiously build it.. we unconsiously start tying the string on our fingers..

ya Hadi.. i'm in need of You..

i feel fucked up..

2008-10-07T17:02:00.001+08:00

i think i have the rit to know..
hell yeah i have the rit to be worried..
and i do have the right to feel like crying rit now..

i'm not a statue.. i'm not just a flower vase that u put on your coffee table..
let me know.. tell me.. i'll listen..

i know i'm being selfish, but if u happen to read this.. i just want u to knw that i love you no matter what..
telling me ur problem wouldnt make me hating you.. u r so much important than just my stupid lack of phone's credit..

it's okay to be weak in front of me.. it's okay because i want to support u..
it's okay that ur voice sounds so horrible when u r sick, but i still want to hear it because it's your voice..
i want to be the one that tell you it's okay..
i want to be the one that u run into when u r in trouble..

because i love you..
it's js as simple as that..

it hurts somehow, dear.. it hurts when u refused to answer my phone calls..
it hurts that you only replied my messages once..
it hurts like shit because i love you, i care about you..
it hurts so badly dat i couldn't help it but want to cry..

but i don't want to be so pathetic crying over this.. i need to give you times to open up to me.. i need to give u some times to be honest to me..

i don't care hw much it hurts.. but i'll stay.. i'll always stay..
because i want to be around when you finally want to open up to me..
because i care about you that the first thing i'll do tomorrow is to top up my phone's credit and call you.. no matter how much you dont want to answer me..

js because i love u..
as simple as that..
and you know who you are..

my hol up to this point

2008-07-29T15:01:00.000+08:00

i've been somehow busy.. i have tution, ~~stupid freaking japanese language~~; i've stopped going for golf driving range lesson, but instead being dragged to golf course session, which is waaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyy tiring; and i've been busy on biodiesel research for my short internship..

i was supposed to have my test like last week, but sadly i got typhoid.. it was then postponed to last friday.. but then again, i was like soooooooo lazy dat somehow i managed to make my teacher to change it to yesterday.. and guess wat?? my teacher messaged me 8am in the morning, telling me that she got diarrhea and because of that the freaking japanese test is postponed again to today..

well, let's js forgot about it and move on..noichi sent me a copy of HSJ concert file because i was just too lazy to download it, and it js arrived today.. and so i watched it 4 hours nonstop today.. hahaha.. she wrote a letter, with just pure spamming inside.. and she asked me why i havent talked about golf at all lately..

it's because i stopped comming for driving range lesson.. and yes, as i said before, i've been dragged to golf course session.. which is so tiring and totally wearing me out.. so i rather not talk about it..

btw, i'm going to jakarta this coming 7th august.. will be there until 14th or even more.. i cant wait to meet Henny, that i havent met for like three years now!! and maybe if possible pam and noichi.. also, if i have enough time i'll be meeting some of my uni friends (which is not really necessary since i'll be seeing them again this Autumn Semester..

speaking of uni.. seriously i'm abit nervous being on my final year.. i think i need to be a complete nerd once autumn semester starts.. which i dont really want to do because that means less time fangirling.. i dont really want to come back to uni because i will have to study extra this year.. but in the same time i missssss my friends!!

there's no life in this post and i'm soooooooooo sorry..

seriously.. it takes me three years to say this..

2008-07-17T01:12:00.005+08:00

it's been ages since i met them and it's been ages since i talked to them.. for the past four days, somehow i've been in touch with some of my friends.. as in finally, i'm in touch wit them.. i think i really miss them.. i'm not good at saying i miss u.. and i'm not good at saying how much i wish we can meet up and have a good time like the old days..

i miss this one friend of mine, who had been the greatest among all.. i must say, without her, i wouldnt be as mature as i am right now.. henny.. if u read this, i just want u to know how much i actually think that i'm blessed that i met u.. it was ashame that we cant meet when u were in medan, and honey, i'm sorry i cant guarantee whether i can go to jakarta or not this august.. but i think there will be a good news ahead.. i just cant tell u yet wat it is.. maybe i have to wait a little longer for confirmation..

hen, thanks alot for all the stupid talk we had dear.. each time the word highschool came to my mind, all i can remember is you.. honestly, it's only you dear.. the rest come later on.. when i'm all alone in my room, i can suddenly feel how lonely it is without you bragging inside my room, just simply blurted out for a food without really cared what i was doing..

i guess people are right dear.. u dont know what u have until u lost it.. when u called me, i had nothing to say.. i didnt know wat to say.. i was being so fucking nervous.. i felt so guilty that i didnt really do my best to meet you.. it takes me almost 3 years to say this but hen, i really miss you.. every little stupid chat we have on msn, although it doesnt happen quite often, always made me relief.. i feel as if, thank god she still think of me as a friend..

maybe i really should go and buy a new microphone, so i can sing KKEB for you anytime on msn again, dear.. i just want to say all that i'm blessed with the two years i had wit you in highschool.. two years as classmates and two years as housemates.. u might not know it, but u did alot.. u inspired me alot.. and although u were just usually trying to find me when u had problems (or when u were hungry!!), it gave more than enough to remember how good friendship can be..

i know.. i'm being so random right now.. but i kind of just have to say this..

it's weird i guess..

2008-07-16T01:29:00.004+08:00

i've been wondering since ages, am i really what i think i am?? since i was in my highschool time.. i have this problem of liking him and her.. yeah.. and her.. i liked a girl before.. and it was frustrating.. i dunnoe.. it was js frustrating.. and it happened about twice.. i liked both girl and guys..

then that's it.. after i entered my matriculation year, liking a girl never occurred to my head anymore.. not even once.. even until now.. i'm perfectly normal and perfectly straight.. not even once girls really attract my intention anymore.. thank god.. i'm so glad about it..

now my question is.. do u actually believe what i just said?? ROFL..

Just For Practice

2008-06-29T04:39:00.001+08:00

コンプーターさん　え、

おはよ　ございます！

キキです。みなさん、げんきですか。

けさ　あたしは　１０じはん　に　おきました。

きょう　あたしは　１じ　から　３じ　まで　えが　を　みました。

まいどようび　デギ　と　あたし　は　ごろふ　いきみあす。

でもね、きょう　あたしたち　は　ごろふ　いきませんでした。

きょう　は　ほんとに　あいつでした。ちょっと　おもしろい　くないでした。

でもね、あたしの　へや　は　AC　あります。まあ、ちょっと　うれしかた　ね。

じゃ！　コンプーターさん、おやすみ！

summer hol so far: BORING!

2008-06-04T15:15:00.004+08:00

as predicted.. summer holiday has been so boring!! i havent found anyone to tutor, i havent found any japanese course to take, and i just havent found anything to do at all..

i've been sleeping, watching tv or DVD, playing golf, or just browsing the internet.. and the gifs below were made out of boredom.. and i posted it just because i think i have to make this post a bit longer..

Arioka Daiki in skirt!! what could be better than that?? kyahahahaha

don't you just love the way Inoo Kei dance?? kyahahaha..

pointless post..

2008-05-16T02:49:00.002+08:00

i have marketing exam 2moro.. arrgghhhh!!!

first of all.. i dun feel like studying!!

secondly, there are so many diagrams to remember in marketing environmental lecture

third, i'm already in summer holiday mood! all i can think is the nice four months summer holiday i can get after 2moro's paper.. and the fact that i'm going back home on wednesday after being stuck here in m'sia for five months made me feel so demotivated!

then, my stomach hurts! no more eating junk food for dinner!

then then then, i cant get rid of arioka's face from my head! he's soooooooo cute!!! i want a baby like him! come arioka! come here! let's play with me! i need your gene for my baby! *naughty thoughts*

takaki's face still looks gay, as in hot gay XD.. and arioka.. awww.. don't you just want to have a baby like him?

ok enough! back to lecture notes..
stop thinking of abusing someone three years younger than you! (gosh arioka! why r u only 17?)
ROFL.. XD

i need a life

2008-04-18T20:48:00.002+08:00

i seriously need a life.. just stupid list of why i need to get a life..

1. i sleep at 6am every single day
2. i wake up only after 1pm
3. i eat only once a day, which is my dinner
4. i only go out from my room if it's really important
5. i only go out to town to by food or other important stuffs
6. i'm currently trying to make my room look as "civilise" as possible
7. reading journals aint help me understand the freaking subject at all
8. i feel moody the whole week already
9. i need more dose of shoon [ryoshige is still important, but shoon is currently "rising" to the main stage]
10. i just really need to have a life

my assignment biggest ENEMY!!

2008-03-29T23:14:00.003+08:00

dilema!! whenever i was so serious doing my work, i ended up fangirling!! darn itunes!! darn my playlist!! darn me to put that freaking song in my playlist!! i'm so dead in luv wit the song..

then i would realise that i should be working on my assignment.. yet, i ended up reading fanfictions.. darn internet!! darn livejournal!! darn ryoshige!! i'm so dead in luv wit the stories..

then then i would slap my face again and tried to read the journals again.. and yet, i ended up watching video.. darn My Video files!! darn GOM player!! darn talk shows!! i'm so dead in luv watching his smirk..

in short.. darn NISHIKIDO RYO for being the biggest enemy of my assignment!!

*sigh..

be glad people!!!!!

2008-03-26T02:07:00.002+08:00

yes!!!!! i know how much all of u hate it when i post up some japanese actors/singers related stuffs!! cz i js decided to have a livejournal account!! so this blog will be solely for everyday life story!! any crap about japanese stuff wont be posted here anymore!! i'll post it up in my livejournal account..

well, i already know dat u all know dat i know that u all know hw much i luv japanese actors/singers as much as i know as u all know dat i know u all hate it so much each time i posted anything "japanese".. hahahahhahaha..

EVEN SO!! in case u are wondering wat i've been into lately wit japanese actors/singers, such as current obsession or interesting stuff i found about them, u can js go to my livejournal account [although i doubt u will]..

http://keeconk.livejournal.com

thanks to SIEWKY!! darn!

2008-03-19T17:53:00.004+08:00

Real name: Risky Harisa Haslan

Nickname: kiki, keeconk,dudut, kicks

Married: nope

Male/Female: female

High school: Kolej Tuanku Ja'afar, Msia

College: CIMP, Sunway College, Msia ; University of Nottingham Malaysia Campus

Short or long hair: either way is fine with me.. js cut it short thought.. thinking of growing it longer again

Are u a health freak: not really, but is currently into it.

Height: 160cm.. i;m short

Do u have a crush on someone?: nope

Do u like yourself: Yes.

Piercings: just the ears

Righty or lefty: righty

First....

Surgery: none i guess

Piercing: 3 years old

Person u see in the morning: honestly?? no one!! hahaha.. all my housemates left already everytime i wake up..

Award: Tokoh [female] of The Year 2005 during Malidur Rasul - Form 5..

Sport u join: badminton

Pet: goldish [my koi fish -> already RIP just about last summer.. he was 7 years old.. it was his time]

Vacation: Malaysia, 3 years old

Concert: Melly Goeslow, form 2

First crush: Primary school.. i still remember his name.. haha

Currently...

Eating: laychee jelly

Drinking: plain water

I'm about to: watch Kenpachi Sensei Series 6 [a very old drama]

Your future...

Want kids: 4

Want to get married: Yes

Careers in mind: movie director [or anything similar in entertainment industry], emcee, or maybe just normal office worker..

Which is better?

Lips or eyes?: eyes

Hugs or kisses: hugs

Shorter or taller?: taller

Romantic or spontaneous: spontaneous

Sensitive or loud: loud

Troublemaker or hesitant?: i cant decide

Have u ever....

Kissed a stranger?: No

Drank bubbles: emm.. wat bubbles?? bubble tea??

lost glasses/contacts: glasses -> never.. contacts -> three times already!!

Ran away frm home: No

liked someone younger: yes

liked someone older: yes

Broke someone's heart: nope

Been arrested: No

Cried when someone died: Yes

Do u believe in...

Yourself?: yeah

Miracles: yeah

Heaven: yeah

Santa Claus: nope

Magic: i knw it exists, period

Angels: yeah

Answer truthfully..

Is there someone u want to be with right now?: if only he knows me, then yeah!! [hahaha.. pathetic]

Do u believe in God?: yeah, of course i do..

I tag:
widya
steffi
milton
and the rest of people i want to tag are already tagged by siewky..

wat a day!

2008-03-19T00:44:00.003+08:00

today is full of spontaniousness!! firstly! i slept at 5.30am.. like usual.. then pris called me at 12pm, asking me and tse tyng to have lunch wit her and riana in Sate Kajang.. 12.10pm, tse tyng called me to wake me up [i got wake up call twice!! hahaha].. then i went shower and didnt even bother to make my room first..

12.25pm, tse tyng arrived, and we left to Kajang.. but then!! the traffic was quite heavy and it took us almost 25 minutes to reach Sate Kajang.. then!!! i ate about 7 sate ayam and half plate of fried rice [share wit tse tyng].. darn.. dat surely ruin my "healthy eating program" of the day!! after dat, tse tyng decided to go to class wit pris.. at the end, riana drove tse tyng's car and she had to send me home before go back to campus..

then then then!!! i decided to take a nap, and slept for 2 hours and woke up js right before my class started!! wat a luck!! met tse tyng in the class, and she then decided to skip marketing strategy so that she could do some Outdoor Club stuffs.. and suddenly she said, "let's go OldTown for dinner!"

during class, me and riana chatted alot and didnt really pay attantion.. we usually write about two or three sentences for each slide, however we only wrote about two or three sentences per page today!! and more, milton messaged me non-sense during marketing strategy saying dat he dared me to shout "oh yeah" without any apparent reason.. ck ck ck.. he was too bored i guess..

exactly at 6pm, tse tyng fetched me and we went metro point to have dinner in Oldtown.. i ate a bowl of noodle! arrgghh!! i ate too much for the day already! darn tse tyng! anyway, i suddenly said i want to watch Spiderwick.. and tse tyng got excited and i decided to check the schedule for it... emm.. then i for the first time i used my phone to check the internet.. hahaha..

the movie was at 9pm, and we still had about 1 hour.. then we rushed to jusco to watch movie.. SUDDENLY! dini messaged me asking whether i'm coming to the talent quest final or not.. i totally forgot that it's tday!! since we were already on our way, i told dini to tell AGHA that i;m sorry that i couldnt make it.. AGHA, i'm so sorry!!!

after buying the ticket, my mom called me and said that my dad and her are coming this thursday! hello!! what the hell is wrong wit me today! i keep forgetting stuffs!! i'm not dat old! i'm not even 20 yet! i totally forgot that F1 in Sepang is this week, and i forgot that my dad is coming to watch it!! then i had to cancel my promise wit patricia and steffi to go to time square wit them this thursday.. since i need to go to KLIA to get my parents and straight away go to Kuala Selangor on thursday..

tse tyng felt sleepy after the movie, but she enjoyed the movie though.. then i decided to drive her car so she could rest.. BUT THEN!! it was my first time driving her car, and i just found out that her car's break is sooooooooooooo sensitive!! i counldnt stop laughing from jusco to semenyih.. my leg felt really weird each i touched the break.. i never encounter any car that has a very sensitive break like hers.. instead of resting.. tse tyng kept complaining each time i laughed..

well, here i am now.. i feel abit tried.. maybe i can sleep early today.. so i can fix my sleeping time.. anyway, this i didnt write anything about japanese singers.. so be glad people!!

found something funny

2008-03-10T01:48:00.003+08:00

a couple of weeks ago, i found Kawai Fumito's impersonation of Masuda Takahisa and Matsumoto Jun.. and the one on Masuda Takahisa, well pordon me, was really funny but yet the song he used is really nice [title Miso Soup.. yeah u can laugh].. then i found out just about yesterday, that it was a single from Masuda Takahisa himself and Tegoshi Yuuya.. i've watched Tegoshi's drama before n known dat both are members of NEWS, and i was shocked that he can sing [well, i thought at first that he js simply sings like typical japanese boyband].. waaaayyy better than Akanishi Jin..

must admit that, although i'm not a fan of NEWS, these two with their duo group TegoMass, really makes me interested more about their songs.. japanese people pronounce miso soup as miso suupu.. that's why i didnt really realise that the song is about MISO SOUP!! which i hate so much.. hahaha.. then i found that this song has two version.. english and japanese..

japanese version is js ok.. since i dun understand japanese, the song just sounds nice.. then when i listened to the english version, shockly, i hardly understood anything they say! hahahaha.. only after looking at the lyric i could understand the story behind this freaking miso soup song.. i guess, since these two tried so hard to sing the english version with proper english pronounciation, it somehow sounds funny..

even so, still love the song.. the melody is nice, and the lyric is touching.. i'm studying in msia, i knw dat it's not dat far from indonesia.. but somehow i can understand what Tegoshi and Masuda are trying to say in this song.. it's sometimes better to eat something that reminds u of home.. in my case it will be Indomie [instant noodle], not miso soup!! hahahaha..

yeah, i wrote non-sense again.. but yet, who cares.. either widya gonna giving "the look" when she reads this.. either siew kwan and jia cheng dont even bother to leave a comment on this.. either steffi gonna complain that too much japanese singers in my posts.. or either milton gonna tease me on and on just because posting up something that he thinks is totally lame and bullshit [and he ALWAYS think dat way, though.. haha]

lazy ass

2008-03-02T14:19:00.002+08:00

i've been so lazy for the past two days.. i should revive the "glory time" by today!!!!!!! hahahaha.. do laundry, clean up my room.. and so and so, and so.. house works must be done by today!!! darn! i'm fired up! for no apparent reason.. haha

anyway, i've been shutting down myself in my room lately.. i dun knw why, bt i dun feel like interacting with anybody rite now.. i'll be reading novel dat i havent finished, playing guitar, watching drama, do some drawing, try to do research [although usually only last for about 30 minutes and i give up], and only go out of my room when i feel hungry.. a bit pathetic really.. i guess old wound hasnt been recovering really well [no, u have no idea wat it is]..

i havent watch movie this week.. PATHETIC!!! tse tyng! get ur ass down and let's go cheras selatan! darn, she;s so busy with her new **sensored**.. hahahahaha.. wishing widya and elvin to go back fast, cs campus seems so empty without them.. and my house is like grave yard! since it;s only me and steffi during weekend..

well. i really need to focus starting tomorrow.. it's already half semester and i couldnt let my guard down.. assignments due end of this month and middle next month.. u can do it KIKI!!

inspired continued

2008-02-28T03:50:00.002+08:00

well, things are doing just fine.. all are still according to plan.. other than my MAD result and stupid fever and flu that seem never end.. i'm deadly bored rit nw.. u can see from the previous post.. hahaha.. well, it's 4am and i still havent felt sleepy at all..

fortunately, although i tend to sleep late for the past 4 days, all my classes are only after 12 o'clock.. so i wouldnt miss any class.. i tend to wake up before 12 o'clock.. js done wit mr. and ms. nottingham poster.. took me quite a while.. i js made it so simple.. since it's only for results from the audition..

IF is such a pain in the ass.. i tried to read a book about China today, or should i say yesterday, for research in the library.. i came out with only one paragraph after an hour.. i didnt even have time to read thru watever i need to read for tomorrow's [or today's, up to u] group meeting preperation..

i knw dat i said that i'm so bored, but yet i didnt read IF journals.. well, reading IF journals wouldnt make my boredomness go away.. hahahaha.. well, nothing much happened and nothing much to tell as well.. maybe if there's something interesting in the future, i'll surely will post it up..

anyway.. i just found out that MAD class average mark is around 35 or so.. darn, ms hung!!! can i kill her now??

i was bored!!!!!!

2008-02-28T03:35:00.000+08:00

yeah.. hate me for posting this up.. i was dead bored!

On Widya's Request: Nakamaru Yuichi

2008-02-21T20:48:00.002+08:00

Promotional Video -> LIPS by KAT-TUN; Nakamaru Yuichi

I LOVE HIM SO MUCH!!!!!

want to know why?????? because he's so ORDINARY!! yes!! indeed!! he is soooooo ordinary!!! unlike many japanese idols!!!! they are js too much most of the time.. he's funny and a really good host!!! he is the N in KAT-TUN, the japanese boyband i'm currently obssess wit.. at first i was mad about Tanaka Koki.. he's the rapper in the band.. since i like him so much, i start to listen to ONE ON ONE, Tanaka Koki ft. Nakamaru Yuichi.. [can listen to it in my friendster profile]

Shounnen Club; Nakamaru Yuichi as Emcee, his stupid act

then i realise that Nakamaru's voice is quite different.. as in huge difference between him talking, and singing.. he actually sings properly!! using his stomach instead of neck!! [elvin knows well how crazy i am over someone dat can sing properly.. hahaha] and his beatboxing is like the best!!! as good as blake lewis i must say.. u should watch Cartoon KAT-TUN, when he went on a duet with Alicia Keys.. it was super cool!! even Alicia Keys said that he was good!!

Shounnen Club; Nakamaru Yuichi, voted as the most lovely fool in KAT-TUN

Shounnen Club; Nakamaru Yuichi, voted as the most lovely fool in KAT-TUN

heavy day

2008-02-20T18:01:00.002+08:00

things were abit heavy today.. despite the fact that today is too hot to handle, i feel so tired physically and mentally.. which not really good.. having headache, and my back hurts abit..

avvari mohan is not around for the day.. he will only be back by tomorrow.. dat means i have to wait until tomorrow to get my results.. darn.. i've been preparing myself for today.. and it wasnt easy.. i took it seriously.. i was ready for the worst case scenario.. then, hve to wait for another day really made me feel so down.. everyone;s results are so OK and NICE actually made me even worry more about mine..

ah.. God, help me.. i currently have no other wishes dat i want so badly but this one.. please do let my results to be alright.. i feel like crying even i havent gotten the result yet.. i feel like i fail already..

i feel so crap..

feel inspired: Day 3

2008-02-18T15:12:00.002+08:00

day three, emmm.. i'm still inspired.. especially because i havent finished watching the whole episodes of Hanayome to Papa.. so still have it as a reminder on how inspired i was three days ago.. everything is still as it was planned [or inspired, i guess].. i'm eating properly rit now.. i eat at home at least one meal of either lunch or dinner.. trying to make myself eating breafast.. only manage to drink milo.. i still cant eat in the morning..

i slept at 1.30am last night.. not bad for start.. and i woke up at 9am.. such an achievement.. hahaha.. i made my room today, and started to wear in-house slipper like i used to do in high school and marticulation time.. i'm trying to do the back exercising regularly now.. for the sake of my back.. if not i won't be able to play badminton again.. i need to strenghten my back muscle to be able to do badminton again..

clothes are washed and hanged.. dry ones have been ironed and put nicely.. i put my lunch leftover in the fridge for tomorrow bfast.. i need to try to eat something for bfast.. seriously.. there's a car wash shop js opened in my neighbourhood.. should try to send my car there soon since washing car myself will cause pain in my back again..

if everything goes just right this week.. i should go to the next level by next week.. still feel inspired.. and i feel as if i'm one step closer..

**it's a bit confusing bcz i never mentioned wat, why, and how i feel inspired.. as i actually refuse to do so.. hehehe.. sorry..

feel inspired

2008-02-16T21:21:00.003+08:00

i was planning on writting down my stupid back pain that caused me lots of trouble, or maybe the stupid journey i had today on my way back from KLIA, sending off my mom and aunty.. or maybe what i had been doing for the past few days.. but i somehow feel so inspired..

after watching KAT-TUN appearance in UTABAN back in 2006 and KAT-TUNx3 episode 2, i feel freaking inspired.. then, i feel more inspired after watching Hanayome to Papa episode 4, starring Taguchi Junnosuke [KAT-TUN's member].. i realised that i've been lying to myself by keep saying "Daijobu, Kiki!!" all the time.. i keep excusing myself from my own weaknesses and i've been trying to ignore the fact that i need to do something about it..

i never thought that i will end up getting inspired just by watching those episodes.. i realise that are a lots of beautiful things that exist, but i never able to experience it because i refuse to admitting my own flawness..

there is only one way to fix all these.. instead of keep saying "daijobu".. i think i should start to say "gabaru" and move on.. maybe, by doing something will eventually makes me at least a little closer to those beautiful things.. just a little closer will do.. as simple as it means, it's less further.. and more chance to grab it..

"GAMBARE ONEGAISIMASU!!"

i'm freaking bored

2008-02-06T18:20:00.000+08:00

so much for the plan during holiday.. got fired up during the first three days.. then took a rest for a day, and totally lazy to get out anymore for the past two days.. hahahaha.. life been abit boring.. i finished sushi oji.. nakamaru's act is not as good as i expected it would be.. i knew it, he should just stick with KAT-TUN and host.. he's the best as a host.. honestly and seriously love him when he's hosting a talk show.. not so much on drama..

watching hanakimi, AGAIN!! hahaha.. my sister like Oguri Shin so much that after i gave her Maitante Conan Live Action 2, she decided to watch one drama where he acted.. so i told her about gokusen and hanakimi.. but since she prefer Shin's new hair [the one in gokusen was seriously a disaster], i recomended hanakimi.. kyaaa!!! Ikuta Toma looks abit weird there since i'm kind of use to his hairstyle in honey and clover, his recent drama..

i havent gone to sun plaza to check out any drama that this one dvd shop has.. i found quite a number of drama that i couldnt find online there, the last time i went.. really need to go there..

nothing much happened.. just my sister is just so freaking busy with tution that makes me sssooo lazy to go out alone.. my friends have freaking uni to attend.. and chinese new year break is only one day back here.. sad case.. maybe i should try to edit some more photos from last DevMeet..

going back!!

2008-01-29T23:50:00.000+08:00

yeepee!! i'm going back to medan this thursday!! cant wait!! there are seriously several things i need to do before i go.. clean my room, do my laundry, and packing.. arrgghhh.. and yet i got fever 2day.. not feeling so well.. even skip marketing strategy.. darn..

in short, i need to do everything tomorrow.. i feel way better already.. tomorrow will be abit busy then.. i have two class.. and tons of stuff to do.. and i also decided to take a taxi instead of having siew kwan and JC to send me off.. i kind of changed my flight to 1pm, and using air asia instead.. i dun want to trouble them to wake up early at 10am to send me to LCCT..

anyway.. i finished one art work using my new wacom bamboo fun tablet.. not really satisfying but not bad for first shot.. go to my deviantART page to check it out..

cold war..

2008-01-27T11:52:00.000+08:00

he just doesnt know me.. they do not know me.. they just assume they know me.. excuse me people!! dun judge me if u do not know me.. this is just so fucking typical highschool behaviour.. darn.. i never thought that i'll even bother.. but it hurts each time.. i dun care about them.. they can behave like whatever they want to.. but her.. darn.. she's the one that i thought could act mature and tell me js the truth..

i had a fight.. wit him.. a huge one.. maybe he thinks it's just small matter, sorry dude, for me it's big.. he never know how hard it was for be just to be who i am rite now.. not as in how powerful or rich i am.. but to be able to let down all my ego and somehow try to control my temper.. darn.. he doesnt know the real me.. no one knows yet.. some people know me well.. but to the extend where i still control myself.. if they wanted to know how bitch i'm actually is.. they gonna feel sorry for it.. but then, i aint that stupid.. i wouldnt waste the hard work i did for the past five years to change myself.. i manage to come this far.. and i wont bother to entertain him.. but he just made a mistake..

big mistake.. why is it so hard for him to talk about it and solve this matter rite away?? i was trying my best to not get angry.. i even admit it's my fault, although i never actually know who's fault it is.. i rather take the blame, bcause i do not want to become this bitch i was once.. i was fucking ready to take the blame.. and he was just so fucking reluctant to settle the matter.. fuck him.. fuck everyone.. he cant take my joke??? live with it!! how the hell i suppose to know that u dont like my jokes unless u fucking telling me, dude!! i dun like it the way u just kept quite and yet trying to keep secret [of fucking small matters] from me and even lying to me.. i dun mind if u js do it to me.. but dude! be professional!! we are co-worker!! dun bring fucking personal problem to fucking ISN.. everyone has their own matters and still manage to come.. if u couldnt come.. say it fucking cleary and state why! we even made the meeting at fucking 5pm because u said u had fucking replacement class until 4.30pm..

*sigh* even so, i'm kind of glad we had this fight.. if not i wouldnt have known dat she still cares about me.. dat she's the girl that i was once understand.. she's still the girl dat accept me for the way i am.. she's still one of those that know me well enough.. that knows my problem and knows my fucking complex temper.. she's my friend, and fucking face it! i dun mind at all if she's hanging out wit him, or them.. as long as i got her trust and care, that's enough.. and for you information, dude.. friendship is not about fucking comfort! grow up! problems arise! ALL FUCKING TIME!!

i felt i waste my tears for u.. fucking wasting my time care about you, dude.. i though you gonna stay put wit use after ur fucking problem wit ur fucking housemate! darn.. u never learn.. js never learn what friendship is about.. it's about stay together during the hard time!!! darn, i waste my energy again for writing this freaking post.. i never really wanted to put any angry post in this post.. i never meant to become this little temper girl again.. i guess, i js couldnt help it.. this is the only way i could release my anger.. darn..

so-called-friendship

2008-01-26T02:18:00.000+08:00

the following story is based on true story and yet the name of the characters are not real.. respect is still needed in this situation..

Izumi was still not sure why she felt abit ackward to Nanase lately.. it was as if Nanase tried to leave her behind as her friend, when Izumi thought that Nanase was the kind of friend she's been looking for.. on the other hand, her uncomfortableness around Yuu was getting better.. kept some distance between each other had evantually made her relationship with Yuu to somehow back to how it used to..

Izumi really did not know what to say anymore.. the fact that Nanase preferred to be with some other group of people and always left her behind was really made her feel really down.. fortunately, in the same time, Izumi realised how much she had actually left behind her own friends.. the night she went out with Taichi, Mizuki, Hachi, and Ayame after so long never went out together had really made her realised how much she loves being around them.. no need to be loud or lively.. there is no need to be cool, pretty, or fashionable.. just being there as who she is.. she, again, realised how much she had missed them..

Ai and Masahiro have been two of her closest friends, but the two of them were somewhere far at the moment, where she couldnt lean on them any more.. she was abit stressed out that there wouldn't be anymore Ai at the moment to comfort her each time she feels down.. there wouldn't be anymore Masahiro at the moment that could act as her own big brother..

she realised how true the phrase "u do not know wat u have untill u lost them" is.. in her case, she had not lost it yet.. she was given the second chance to be with those who care about her.. her comrades in pain and laugh.. friends dat accepting her for whoever she is..

gank-ing up is something that Izumi never understood since the day she went to school.. she believed that friendship never exist in gank-ing up.. being there physically never meant anything for her.. Izumi always believe dat having her/his heart, respect, and trust is always the most important thing..

Ashiya once told her when they were together that being together do not mean dat they have to go everywhere together.. he said, as long as he had her heart and trust, nothing else matter.. well, although the relationship ended after almost 3 years together, those words that Ashiya believed in, were still stick in Izumi heart..

Izumi just couldn't understand how come Nanase, someone dat she believed at least would be able to be her comrade suddenly changed.. she changed alot that Izumi no longer understood her.. nor she understood Nanase's new friends.. she tried her best, but she just seemed not able to understand this bunch of people.. she just seemed not able to blend in with them, and she had enough of trying.. even Jin that never actually said anything serious, said something is seriously weird about them.. as if there are only having fun, famous, and status in their head.. well, Izumi never actually thought that way.. but at some point she had to be agreed with Jin..

Yuu and Rei felt the same way as Jin and Izumi.. having some other people that agreed with her actually had made Izumi a little bit confused.. was it her to blame?? or Nanase to blame?? or them to blame?? Izumi now could only wished that things could be back just like it used to be.. although, honestly, she was abit excited to had this "general meeting" wit Yuu, Rei, and Jin [as the topic leader, hahaha..] some time in the future..

because somehow, inside, Izumi felt betrayed.. betrayed by something so-called-friendship..

KAT-TUN, Ikuta Toma, and Koike Teppei

2008-01-25T15:33:00.000+08:00

huahahahahaha!! i'm currently is so mad about KAT-TUN!! darn!!! luv their songs like hell!!! the songs are just soooo nootttt typical boyband!! that's what i love about them!! i'm planning on burning all their songs in one cd [i knw dat widya, steffi, uncle, tse tyng, and lots more gonna kill me for this!!] and put it on each time i drive!! hahahahaha..

i finished watching Tokkyu Tanaka 3 Go, starring Tanaka Koki [d rapper of KAT-TUN].. the first comedy romance drama dat i watched.. hahaha.. not bad!! it was Tanaka Koki first leading role as well.. i also finished watching Yukan Club [Leasure Club], starring Akanishi Jin and Taguchi Junnosuke from KAT-TUN.. d same wit the comic, lots of funny shits.. hahaha.. first time watching Taguchi Junnosuke acts.. not bad.. should try to find his other drama.. i also almost finish watching Anego.. haha.. kind of old.. but i just found out that Akanishi Jin played here.. another romance comedy.. it's kind of cute.. hahaha.. 32 years old working lady and her 22 years old guy coworker.. and currently downloading Kindaichi Live Action, staring Kamenashi Kazuya [from KAT-TUN as well], and i heard Tanaka Koki and Nakamaru Yuichi are there also.. oh ya.. i also currently trying to find Sushi Oji with proper english sub [starring Nakamaru Yuichi].. gosh.. i wonder when Ueda Tatsuya will start acting.. hahaha..

oh ya!! good news!! i found Honey & Clover eng sub version episode one! i almost scream when i watched the first 5 minutes.. darn!! hwever i decided to go to sleep already.. since i stayed up until around 5am to watch anego.. hahahaha.. Ikuta Toma's hair is brown!! dark brown!! he looks way better than the copper colour when he was in Hanakimi.. he looks abit like when he was in Akihabara@Deep, but with different hair style..

AND!!!!!!!!!! the best of all!!!! KOIKE TEPPEI!! hahaha.. i finnally found Iryu season 2 with eng sub.. still downloading.. cant wait to see him acting again!! darn!! i feel like melting!! to many bishi guys at once!! hahahahha.. [i've gone crazy, i must admit].. oh ya.. Koike Teppei's movie, KIDS, is coming out this year.. cant wait for it!! and also this one drama where he acts as a blind man [i cant remember the title]..

anyway!!! i gotta go and have a shower now.. i have ISN meeting in one hour.. hahahaha.. darn.. i also cant wait for One Pound of Gospel eng subbed version [starring Kamenashi Kazuya]..

exam is over!!

2008-01-18T22:25:00.001+08:00

exam is finally over!!!!! i'm so freaking happy!! even so.. i'm kind of worried about my results.. i've been studying like hell, but yet i dun really confidence wit my performance.. darn.. i wish i tried much more harder..

anyway.. i kind of feel the bond dat i was once cherish.. wit my friends.. those dat i knw for sure, care enough js to ask, "hw's ur day?" or "hw dare u forgot to reply my message!" or "coming for lunch/dinner?".. all this simple question, but said it with truth and care..

darn.. hw much i feel so bad about it.. it;s actually me dat never bother to realise dat the comfort that i;m looking for is there!!! not where i've been putting my ass on.. i dun need lively conversation, i dun need loud laugh.. i dun need the latest jokes.. i just need them to be there for me.. and i just need to be there for them.. wit careness and luv..

oh ya.. elvin and widya is leaving tomorrow nite.. darn! i feel like crying! they are like the best i ever had!! only for a semester and one summer break.. but i know it's gonna feel like forever.. will be missing u, guys.. js remember the three most important things i've told you.. remember God, take a good care of yourself, and of course, dun forget to buy me something when you come back!! hehehehe..

it's happening again

2008-01-12T21:46:00.000+08:00

i'm js so used to be left out, that i dun evel feel sad or sorry for myself anymore.. i guess.. it kind of killed my feeling.. i'm still my sensitive old self.. but in the same time, the part of me that luv to socialise wit people had somehow died long time ago..

i'm sharing my feeling, story of the day, and anything to my friends.. but somehow, i never feel the connection that i was once use to cherish all the time.. i tried, and still am trying, to become close with them, and built the connection to become not only friends, but also as comrades [u may knw it better as nakama]..

and here the list

standard forms:
1. i was in top students class.. but one of the stupidest in class..
2. i was already fat.. and my classmates loved to tease my size alot..
3. i lived wit my grandmom for quite sometimes, and i was damn stupid in Islamic Studies.. i only able to read Quran only when i entered standard 5..
4. my sister did way better than me in school.. so i couldnt get what i wanted most of the time..
5. i was always the one that everybody forgot to include in any activity they have..

junior high school:
1. i was part of the class representatives for the whole three years.. and people thought that i was taking my job too seriously..
2. i was going out wit someone way older.. that my friends started to think i acted way too mature for my age..
3. i was considered as one of those kids that live in luxury since i was studying in government school.. that my friends always drew this gap between us..
4. i was abit narrow minded back then.. that i had more guys friends compare to girls..
5. i was always the one that everybody forgot to include in any activity they have..

high school:
1. i was the only one wearing veil in my batch.. that my classmates often looked at me as if i was a freak or something..
2. i was a loner when i was in form 4.. drawned myself in huge pile of text books..
3. i was better in form 5.. but often found huge differences in way of life wit my friends since i take religion seriously..
4. i was always the one that everybody forgot to include in any activity they have..

marticulation program:
1. i was the only indonesian that used to speak english that my friends thought i was somehow arrogant..
2. i was under pressure frm my dad that i should enter nottingham university business school.. i studied really hard.. but yet my friends thought i was just showing my intellegence off in class..
3. i was trying to be friendly and bubbly.. but i just so used to be a loner back in high school.. that some friends actually think i overdid it..
4. i was always the one that everybody forgot to include in any activity they have..

university:
1. i am this not so smart girl that finally entered the university her dad wanted her to enter.. and taking business as what her dad told her to instead of architector js like what she has been dreaming of..
2. i am this not so smart girl that finds it difficult to put her low level of intellegency beside everyone that always seems to get high marks..
3. i am this girl who lost her goals after entering business course and starts to slacking off alot..
4. i am this girl who tries her best to study and get good marks.. but yet at the end gets frustrated bcz she cannot cope with it and end up cries over her own pity self without anyone knowing it..
5. i am still trying to become friendly and able to socialise wit people.. but still fail to build up trust..
6. i am still the one that everybody forget to include in any activity they have..

i think that's more than enough.. more than enough to kill my feeling of careness, love, and exciting feeling with others.. but i'm still hoping.. that i wont be the one that everybody forget to include in.. i wish some day.. or at least.. there's this one dayy when i feel like i'm needed as a friend.. just a friend that have to be there.. and i realise i'm somehow wishing too much..

tourism bangsat!!!

2008-01-10T23:52:00.000+08:00

ok, the title is something like "f*ck tourism!".. i've been reading my notes [as in my own hand-writen notes] since this afternoon.. and all i can remember is lecture 1 and 2.. and the reason is non other than the fact that those two lectures happen to be similar to lecture 9 and a few lectures of managing the marketing mix..

that's all i'm gonna say.. fin.. the end..

dreaming about him

2008-01-08T01:16:00.000+08:00

i was dreaming about him last night.. gosh i miss him.. the dream is quite weird.. it was my grandmother's birthday party.. well, in reality my grandmother was indeed the one that knew i was going out with him.. i was lining up to get my food, and someone just suddenly grabbed me and dragged me all the way to the sitting area.. it was him.. gosh.. i miss him..

we didnt do anything really.. we didnt talked, we js stood there and holding hands.. which, we actually hardly did when we were together.. then the scene changed.. the two of us were sitting in front of a soccer field.. watching soccer.. again, we didnt talk, just holding hands..

in reality, we always talked.. we hardly see each other, the fact that he was living [and still i guess] on another city.. so once we met, we talked almost about everything.. hahha.. it somehow reminds me when i smiled at him for the first time.. hillarious!!! he sunddenly mistoned his sing at several parts.. my dad was scolding him..

i realised, the two of us really actually did nothing to impress each other.. we didnt give gifts [well, i did once.. and he did once].. we rarely talked in the phone [we were afraid that my dad gonna find out], we wrote letters instead.. we never went to watch movies on our dates.. we js hang out, he would sang for me [with my mom's guitar.. hahaha.. since it's the only guitar at home].. we werent really expressing ourselves in action, more to writing..

we didnt do alot of things that normal couple will do.. we were old-fashioned.. but the memory somehow stays.. i havent seen him in two years.. darn, i miss him.. he was there during eid celebration when my dad held an open house.. he came in the afternoon, but darn!! my flight was 10am on the exact same day..

after reading JC's blog, i js realise that love is seriously unconditional.. he never said i'm cute, neither did i said anything great about him.. but i'm admiring his religiousness.. and he couldnt stop smiling at me when i wore veil for the first time.. made me blush really.. i guess, that was love in the name of Allah.. well, only God knew if it was..

even so.. we all should be thankful that there were once when we loved someone so deeply, that we were loved by someone, and we had the chance to enjoy it.. don't cry because it ended, be grateful because it happened..

Ritsuki Diary (Akihabara@deep FanFic): Scene 2

2008-01-02T20:37:00.000+08:00

I walked inside that small office. Two strangers were there, a guy and a girl. The guy is currently sitting on his own space, i guess, up there, on the top of someone else space. The girl is practicing her punch using the sand bag.

I just stood still in the middle of the office. Not sure what to say. "Neee?? Who the hell are you?? What are you doing here?" asked the girl. I looked her in the eyes, kind of cold. Not so friendly, but yet not so mean as well. "Atashi Sawamura desu," I said to her. "Haaaaaa?????" the girl and the guy were in shock. "Hontoni?? Sawamura Hana??" said the guy. He looked kind of weird. In a cosplay i must say. Like Nobita or sort. I just gave him a small smile.

"I prefer to be called Sawamura, but Hana is fine with me," I said, for God knows how many times in mylife. "Whoaaa!!! We thought you decided not to join the team. About two weeks ago some of us already met you. But then, you never even once came," said the girl.

"HEEEEEEE???????" someone from behind sounded so surprissed. I turned my head to see who that was. Hm.. It was either Box or Taiko. I couldn't really remember which one. "Sawamura-san! You finally came!! Yapari!! It's impossible to refuse joining Akihabara@deep afterall!" . Box. Yeah.That was him. I was pretty sure. Arrogant-acting-cool type. I did more indepth research on Akihabara@deep for the past two weeks. "I never said I'll join."

They frozed. "But maybe I'll stick around for a couple of weeks, only then decide whether I want to join or not," I said again. They even didnt show any relief reaction after heard what I was saying. "Well, in that case, let me introduce you to them. This is Akira and Daruma," said Box.

"Yoroshiku," said both of them. I nodded, tried to show some respect. "Since you said you fine with people calling you Hana. I'll call you Hana-chan. What about you Akira?" Daruma was so excited. "I think Sawamura is better. Hana somehow doesn't suit her," she said.

"Whatever. I don't mind."

Not long after that, Page, Izumu-chan, and Taiko arrived. "So, why do you need me here?" I asked them once everyone sat firmly around the meeting table. "We need your English skill, and people say you have a very good analysis ability. That will surely help us here, in Akihabara@deep," unexpectedly, Page, the leader that has difficulty to speak, used his laptop to represent him. He typed whatever he wanted to say, and the laptop would say the matters properly on his behalf.

"That's it? That's the only reason?? No other particular thing that you need from me?" I asked, again, kind of cold. No expression.

"Well, there are tons of good quality that we heard you have. Such as graphic design, music, and of course the fact that you are called THE HANA for your cool analysis. So, you can help Box-kun and Taiko-kun anytime needed," that irritating laptop spoke again.

I looked at their eyes, one by one. Thought about what Page, or his laptop specifically, said. "But, do you know that I have a major weakness?" All of them shaked their head. Huh. I only could took a very long breath. It's gonna be very interesting, my heart said.

"I lived in Singapore since I was 7 years old. And I only back to Japan around 7 months ago. I can only read very little Hiragana. And I do not understand any weird japanese slang," I said.

All of them frozed. Not even blinked. In a very big shock I must said.

"HAAAAAAAAAAA?????????" . As I thought, they were in a very big shock.

*to be continued

to be honest

2008-01-02T13:34:00.000+08:00

to be honest, i think my friends misunderstood me.. or still misunderstanding me.. i'm a muslim.. and that's what i am.. please do not forget.. i never really mentioned any religious stuff around you guys, because of respect.. we have different belief..

but sometimes, i feel like they keep include me in whatever celebration they have.. recent case has been bothering me since God knows when.. chirstmas eve.. well, i'm the sa entertainment team, like it or not, i have to be involved in every sa entertainment team event.. recently there was this christmas party.. well, i HAVE NO CHOICE but to be involved..

then, right before the reading week started, two of my friends gave gifts.. a poster and a lip gloss... i love them.. really love the gifts.. but the thing is, "kiki, this is your christmas gift.." i stunned.. frozed.. and js said thank you to show some manner.. well, in case you guys havent noticed that, I DO NOT CELEBRATE CHRISTMAS!!!!

as my friends, they supposed to know that i celebrate eid, not christmas.. i'm happy to see you guys full of joy celebrating christmas, but in this case, i'm not part of the team!! i love my God more than you can imagine.. i'm not good at showing how much i love someone or something.. but you guys know me for one year and a half.. you supposed to somehow realise it.. i'm not comfortable when people say, "merry christmas, kiki!!"..

so far as i concern, new year is fine wit me.. i'm ok when peole say happy new year.. but dat's it.. not christmas... then recently i just found out that one of my friends, who just recently got back from india, gave this food [some kind of peanuts], was actually giving it to me as a christmas gift as well.. to be honest.. i feel INSULTED!!

sorry.. there are time where i;m not good at saying out loud what i feel.. so, friends.. sorry for posting this angry post.. hope you understand.. I AM YOUR FRIEND.. but i'd like to remind you who i really am.. i'm open-minded, i know that.. but only to some extend.. not to everything.. religion/belief is something dat is really sensitive for me.. i never seriously talk about it to those who are not muslim like me, well other than explaining why i'm wearing veil..

please do understand.. sorry for the anger i put in this post.. i didnt mean to heart anybody's feeling..

Ritsuki Diary (Akihara@Deep FanFic): Scene 1

2007-12-30T16:45:00.000+08:00

"Su.. sumimase..". A bunch of older teens stood just right beside the bus stop chair I'm currently sitting on. I turned my face to see who was calling me.

"A..an..ano.. we.. we were told tha tha that we can find you here.. Ha Ha Hana-san," a short guy with specs talked to me. "We we we are wondering whether yo yo you can join our troubleshooter organisation, Aaa Aki Aki Akihabara@Deep,l" he continued. Damn, this guys is surely weird. Couldnt he speak properly?

"Namaewa?" I said. The four older teens frozed didn't know what i was talking about.

"It's rude, you know, to suddenly ask someone to join your organisation without introducing yourselves," said I, kind of cold.

"Oh.. Sorry.. I'm Izumu. This is our leader, Page-kun. And these are Box-kun and Taiko-kun. The rest of the members are at the office," said a girl with a weird big shade and messy hair.

I looked at the four of them, again. The guy named Box, hm.. I saw him somewhere, but I couldnt remember where. The same case with Taiko. I just couldn't recall where I saw these two guys.

"That's better. I did get the fax from your office. I supposed to reply it yesterday. Well, sorry. My bad. I just got it this morning. I was out of town," I said, again, kind of cold.

"So, when can you start working with us?" said Izumu. What the f*ck? This people are surely rushing. I stood up. Looking at the bus that I was waiting for. I could see it turning the corner. And I looked at them again. "Give me one reason why I should join you guys."

Huh.. just like what i thought. They went silent, did not know what to say.

"Sawamura. That's the name. But I'm fine with Hana. Yoroshiku ne, Izumu-chan. See you tomorrow," I walked into the bus that just stopped. And gave Izumu a little smile. Interesting bunch of people. Of course I did some research on them when i received the fax. I did not need them to tell me what Akihabara@deep is all about.

"She just called you Izumu-chan. None of us ever called you that way," said Box.

** to be continued

Paradox of Winter Break

2007-12-14T02:09:00.000+08:00

Winter Break in University of Nottingham Malaysia Campus takes place during winter season in UK Campus. It is usually in December, one or two weeks before Christmas. Students are usually looking foward to this break as it gives them about 3 weeks of freedom, or is that true?

The paradigma is that the break given looks as if it will give the students the holiday that they always been waiting for. However, in its true realisation, Winter Break is one of the most difficult time for students. It is indeed due to the fact that Fall Examination will usually take place right after the break.

Students are faced with two difficult choices. Break is identic with relaxation. Busy schedule on campus is the main reason for these individuals to demanding relaxation so urgely. Even so, Fall Examination has created a paradox among them. Difficulties arises when they are trying to put two most important activities, exam preparation and relaxation, into their schedule.

Although students manage to fit it the two of them inside their schedule, theoritically, it is still difficult to make ones concentrate on each one of the the activities. Their subjective realisation will most likely affecting their thinking. On one hand, relaxation is needed for the sake of mental health. Even so, exam preparation will be cruicial in order to gain their degrees.

Experts have been collecting information on this paradox. Grades during Fall are usually not as good as Spring. Some experts believe it is due to the paradox of Winter Break. However, some argue that it is only the matter on how well ones organise themselves. Three weeks holiday are great deal amount of time for them to fit in the two activities together. It is seen as far way more significant than one week reading week that is given right before Spring Examination.

In conclusion, you should congrat me for writting this CRAP!!!!!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! I'm insane. I must admit it.

stary night

2007-12-05T05:07:00.000+08:00

last night was extremely beautiful tonight.. or shall i put it as morning.. it was 5am, and i js got back from McDonald in Kajang.. after i locked my car and closed my gate, i actually stood still and looked at the sky..

obviously my reason was to looked at the moon.. it looked so beautiful from inside my car, when i was driving, of course.. but then, it was js simply reallyyyyy stunning when u see it wit ur bare eyes!! i was actually stood still frozenly and admiring the beauty of the stars..

the sky is so clear and navish.. it's not black, it's navish.. beautiful colour, my favourite.. the stars are just simply everywhere!! it's like snowflakes on your front yard during winter.. it was just extremely beautiful.. for the first time in my life i stared at a really beautiful and stunning sky.. it was a real glam..

well, i js wanted to post this.. i js think the night so beautiful that it deserves to be posted.. unfortunately my camera is not good enough to capture a beautiful picture of this beautiful night..

i had enough

2007-12-04T00:38:00.000+08:00

what the fuck is wrong wit this person?? trying to take over my job??? excuse me, bitch!! don't push it!! you do not knw who you are currently messing up wit! i spent almost five years to fix myself!! do u have any idea on hw hard it is for me to change??

it took my ex boyfriend almost a year just to make me realise how important it is to love God!! it took him almost two years to make me stop thinking so selfish! it took both of us our relationship to make me realise the meaning of sacrificing and respect.. i went through a hell of things to be what i am today!!

or should i said, what i was!! fuck!! i stopped swearing when i was in highschool.. i stopped missing my shalat when i was in highschool as well!! i started to wear veil when i was still in junior highschool!! and i finally started to act mature after what i went thorugh with him!! and it's all wasted!! js because i'm pissed by you!! because i'm turning back into that girl!! the girl that swears alot!! selfish and does not care how other feel!! always make fun of others! bitchy, mean, anything!! you name it!! and the girl that does not even care of what God might think of her!!

don't push me!! and as you can see, i confronted u today.. in a good way of course.. in a polite manner.. because i do not want to waste all my effort for the past five years!! and i'm trying to chill myself out.. and i think, for now on, i'm gonna shout it loud if i disagree wit you!!

[and sorry for the swearing.. i cant help it..]

something is on..

2007-11-30T02:07:00.000+08:00

i dunnoe wat, but i think there's something dat i do not know.. something about me dat i do not knw.. something about me dat my frens know but i DONT!!!!

hey2!! wat's d hell is going on.. getting suspicious.. **noughty2 thought**.. hahaha.. or was it js my great feeling as a director dat keeps making all these fantasy scenes.. hahaha

--the curiousities of thoughts--
** d person dat makes me unable to concentrate on my study each time is finally giving me my own alone time..
** d person dat i used to interested in is currently idle and does not look like oneself..
** d person dat i thought is walking away is actually js simply too innocent to do dat..
** d person dat used to share stuff wit me is now prefer someone else to hang out wit.. and i'm trying to face that fact..
** d person dat i used to interested in [d same as above] is really making me confuse wit one's behaviour..
** d person dat used to share stuff wit me [same as above] is currently hanging out wit d person i used to interested in..
** d person dat i thought is walking away [same as above] is js being to emo to think clearly..
** d peson dat make me unable to concentrate on my study each time [same as above] is deserved a slap frm me, but luckily i'm not dat mad..

--the realisation of social subjective construction--
** she's so lovely ang bubbly dat i will laugh each time she's around [in a good way pf course]
** she's so wonderful and great as a BFF that i cant even stand it if i dont chat wit her for js even a day!!
** he's so funny and cute in some way that i really love to joke around wit him!!
** he's so mature but yet annoying that i always love to see him everyday!
** she's so like d big sis to me that i always let out of my burden by talking to her..
** he's so lame in some way but he always lighten up my day!!
** he's not d type dat people will like to hang out wit, but i luv to talk crap wit him..

a guy named khalik

2007-11-25T14:35:00.000+08:00

yes.. i think i dont luv you.. but then, yes.. i do like you and i do have a crush on you..
the thing is, i dun luv you.. and now i can understand my own act..

i dun see it's a big deal anymore to not able to see you every single day..
i dun feel hurt when i heard you do something dat is totally a big turn off for me, not even once..
i dun even sometimes understand how i had a crush on you up until now..
i dun know why i still interested in you, Der Mond

and i start wondering..
why is it so hard to move on after i broke up with khalik??
why is it so hard to fall in love after i broke up with him??
why is it so hard to even love myself or treat myself correctly after all i've been through with him?
why is it so hard to think straight and act mature like i always did after the break up??
why is it so hard, and it's alredy been freaking two and a half years??

and i still hate it..
hate it if he still say he misses me
hate it if i still feel the same way as well
hate it that we never met since then.. only once that i can recall..
hate it that i lost my phone, and there was the only place i save your number..
hate it that my sister does not want to try to find ur number for me..
and i HATE it that i still care about you although it's freaking over!

huh.. a crush.. something that i do to cheer myself up.. and it somehow js simply never works.. i'm getting worse.. i need help.. i need help to move on.. i thought i did move on.. but i didnt.. i didnt.. and i just realise i didnt..

i was a kid.. i know.. i was a kid.. but i was a kid dat understands how important it is to love someone in the name of God.. i was a kid dat understand wat it feel likes when God sent you someone special.. not only to love you, but to show you how much love of God that you already ignored.. made you realise that you are blessed.. on even a smallest thing u have, u are still blessed.. and he was the guy.. and i js seems cannot get another one like him..

and i know i'm being to emo.. but, cant help it

all the burdens are out

2007-11-06T14:28:00.000+08:00

i talked to hendro about my problem in my previous post.. he told me something dat really relieving.. in short, i just so use to have him around all the time.. and the fact that he likes someone is making him not always around.. so, i just dun like it when he's not around... is js as if he's neglecting me as his friend.. so problem solved! i still truely in luv wit vitamin! and i only see this friend as friend! yeah!! so i can finally relax knowing dat i do not like two guys at the same time.. yeahh!!

btw, i have new term for my vitamin.. vitamin sounds so weird.. i'd like to call him "bulan".. hahaha.. it means moon in english.. well, at least he looks like one.. hahahahaha.. and i'm not going to tell you the detail.. hihihihihihi.. it will be too obvious..

then.. i'm currently abit unhappy wit one of my friends.. she js sometimes makes me feel really annoyed and i feel as if i have no privacy at all!! and it sucks big time.. i cant study peacefully, i cant eat whatever i feel like, i cant always go out with my friends, and worst of all , i cant have my own little time to myself!!!! hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate it!!!!!!!!!

i have my own preference on how i run my life! so could she just for once give me some space?? i dun like to have my life like this.. everything has to be discussed and organised.. excuse me!! i luv it if things happen spontaneously.. but yet i always try to spare some time to do my study! although i'm not that organised, i do organise my own study timetable!! i have my own hours to do it!! so couldnt she js let me do it my way????? and stop interfering!!

ok.. that was a relief.. finally.. i'm able to letting all the burdens out.. i seriously need internet in my house.. i cant update my blog every freaking single day anymore.. i cant let myself drown into stupid problem dat supposed to be able to be solved js by shout it out in my blog.. in conclusion, i need internet for blogging!!!! and you-know-who-you-are please stop wasting ur time [and my time] and js apply d stupid freaking internet!!

serious shit

2007-10-30T14:10:00.000+08:00

i have someone that i like.. everyone knows dat.. my friends know who the guy is.. and he has someone he likes as well.. he's a friend of mine.. we are js friends.. no feeling or wat so ever.. supporting each other.. have fun together.. normal friends.. js like me and the rest of my friends..

but I DON'T LIKE IT when he talks about the girl he likes.. i hate it.. elvin said i'm js being jealous.. but, i dont have any feeling towards him.. so, what the freaking hell is that??? freaking hell.. seriously freaking hell..

then, i dunnoe why, but i rarely talk about the guy i like wit him.. a couple of times only.. but, i talk about the guy i like almost every single minute with my other friends... it's because i feel like he wont bother to listen to watever story i tell about the guy i like.. because he doesnt comment alot when i talk about him!! so i guess, i think it's just useless to talk about the guy i like wit him..

or maybe the freaking problem is js ME!! i'm such a drama creator.. everything is a stupid freaking drama for me.. bleh.. serious shit.. i dunnoe wat's wrong.. and i always in this kind of feeling down thingy lately.. well, not lately, for the past i-dunnoe-maybe-around two months!!

so, somebody please do explain this to me!!!

Eid Mubarak

2007-10-16T20:30:00.000+08:00

Dont blame me! I dun have internet yet in my new rented house.. i cant update my blog regularly. lots of things happened.. and i do not knw wat to say.. well, my bday js passed.. quite a day i must say.. a bit predictable, but yet still somehow really surprising..

found a new gossip partner.. after megah left, i really actually have no one to share secret with.. but then, believe it or not, the person is Milton!! that stupid freaking cacing!! hahahaha.. not really the kind of friend i love to work together with, but more than enough to be the kind of friend to share story with..

eid something i really like to say here.. i was supposed to run for an election for sa, but then i have a family emergency matters.. i was pissed like hell.. hate every minute i spend before raya.. hate myself for always surrender to faith.. hate the fact that i never been able to do what i like to do best..

taking management studies rather than computer design for starter.. again, surrender to something called family decision.. walking away from my friends rather than keep in touch with them and visit them regularly for something called family restriction.. breaking up with my ex for something called family orientation.. and now, backing up from sa election for something called family emergency..

can u imagine how i feel?? it feels freaking awful.. especially each time i remember all these.. damn.. dat's all i can say.. but then, eid really make me start to look the positive side of it.. my grandmoms, both the one in jakarta and the one in tebing tinggi, for the first time, cried.. cried during the "minal aidin" moment.. the both saying something similar.. and for the first time i feel glad dat i did what i did, regardless whether i like it or not..

"you are the oldest.. and u will always be the oldest.. u r more open minded than the rest.. although u r stubborn and rebellious, u still always make sure that family comes first.. i surely cant ask more than that.. i'm old.. i wont be around in the future.. u r my hope to keep this family together.. u know every detail of love, hate, and dispute in this family.. i cant say anything else but thank you for always being there for us.."

Alina Anthon Hudaya

"i know i never try to get closer to u.. i never even try to share stories with you or be there for u.. even so, u never failed me.. i know u failed ur dad's expectation a number of times.. but u never failed me.. u r more than wat i want my grandkid to be.. u r not the oldest, but u act like one.. u r my only hope to help ur cousins.. u know how much abang cant be trusted to lead the rest.. i dunnoe u well.. i dunnoe how u think.. and i dun even sure whether u love me.. but then, it really means alot to be that u r here.. although i know u gave up something for this matters.. js thank you.."

Tengku Alida

so, who can hold their tears when they hear these??? damn.. i feel bad for hating the two of them, for making me backing up from the election.. i do love you, grandmoms..

js wat i've been doing

2007-09-25T14:18:00.000+08:00

moday: first day of class.. quite excited.. meeting all people dat i really care about.. ice breaking at night.. quite a pain in the ass.. it was fun though..

tuesday: second day of class.. hating being in jason's and hung's class again.. loving my SEA n Global economy class.. pool party.. got to know Bara, GT, and Landy.. And got thrown to the pool by Bara.. hahaha.. hilarious..

wednesday: no class at all.. woke up like 12 or 1pm.. treasure hunt at night.. i was in the same station with Bara and Landy.. they are just few from nigerians that are really friendly and nice to hang out with.. oh ya.. i got my face painted..

thursday: nothing.. really.. i only went to campus and did some reading on business econs b..

friday: service my car.. it was not a long waiting.. but it's ok.. watched white noise in Jusco Balakong.. it's a not bad movie, i must say.. week 1 finale night.. it was a disaster, really.. get to know GT and Landy as well.. Bara wasnt there..

saturday: went to Yus for sahur.. Intan's last day in nottingham.. gonna miss her.. i was alone in the house.. had to wait for plumber and air-cond people to come..

sunday: went to buy some stuff in jusco balakong, again..

monday: second week of classes.. nothing much.. drove dennis back to his house.. went out to pizza hut for break fast..

tuesday: met huijing after all this time.. met him as well.. currently writing down this stupid freaking post.. and will send dennis back to his house again later on..

help squad and ramadhan

2007-09-14T21:25:00.000+08:00

finally.. another volunteering job.. after EYES when i was in KTJ.. and after swimming competition helper and emcee during talent night when i was in Sunway College.. another volunteering job.. i just dunnoe why, but i just simply love doing volunteering job..

help squad-ing in the accommodation was such a pain in the ass.. it's not because there were alot to do, in fact, there was nothing to do.. hahahaha.. me, sunali, steffi, yusuf, and yusri were trying to keep ourselves entertained by making stupid jokes and telling some lame stories..

registration was something funner.. much funner that the boring accommodation.. at least, i was able to interact with people... lots of smiling.. and lots of saying "basically what you need to do is....".. and lots of shouting, promoting the SA booth..

ramadhan is great so far.. first day was really predictable.. it was just 10am, and i felt hungry already.. the break fast was kind of hilarious.. aiman called me and asked me and the rest of the house to go to kajang for meal.. well, u noe aiman.. full of bullshit.. but funny bullshit i must say.. i kind of couldnt help it but laughed each time.. and the fact that i couldnt make it for magrib and tarawih was kind of funny.. i dunnoe why.. maybe because aiman acted as if he was reaaaaaaallllllllllyyyyyyy sorry about it.. God knows whether he is really sorry or just making another bullshit..

anyway.. kind of missing having ramadhan back home.. well, more proper meal.. and of course the great one month holiday..

well, ramadhan is kind of remind me of my ex.. the one and only.. the one that really is showing the truth of being a muslim.. gosh.. havent contacting him in like a couple of months.. since i lost my phone last semester.. i havent gotten back his number.. really.. he was kind of.. the greatest gift God ever gave me..

oh shit.. not this again.. i'm so pathetic each i remember about him.. move on!! well, i did move on.. maybe u can call almost three years being single is called move on.. hahahha.. pathetic really..

anyway.. i'll wrap out this crap now..

i'm back!! yeah2

2007-09-05T13:25:00.000+08:00

ok people.. i'm sorry.. especially to siew kwan, JC, and pris.. hahaha.. oh ya.. and eda.. i didnt update the blog for like a month.. i told you wat?? i dunnoe wat to write about..

but at least i can write something right now.. since i'm back already.. msia truely asia.. hahaha.. watever.. i dun care.. campus life is just ok.. not many people yet, but quite a number.. understandable.. mostly are those who are taking their resit exams.. and sa officers.. and some jobless people who came early like me.. hahaha

i'm currently in sa building.. doing nothing but surfing the internet after had my lunch..planning on continuing watching charmed after finish my business in campus.. i still need to take the help squad tshirt.. and some other thing to settle.. gosh..

anyway.. gotta go.. just gotta go.. i dunno what else to write.. nothing much has happening yet..

latest 4 deviants

2007-07-29T22:07:00.000+08:00

i really do not know wat to post.. nothing much happened.. siew kwan suggested a very good idea.. she said, "why dun u js put ur deviantART works?".. so here they are.. the latest works of mine.. if u have a deviantART account, u can comment it directly on the page.. or if u dont.. u can comment here..

almost blind by ~keeconk on deviant ART

masjidil Harm by ~keeconk on deviant ART

leasure by ~keeconk on deviant ART

Bir Ali by ~keeconk on deviant ART

harry potter-final book

2007-07-25T21:59:00.000+08:00

i js finished the book.. i couldnt stop.. seriously.. i couldnt stop once i started reading the book.. i even skipped my mandarin conversation tution class just to continue the chapter where i stopped the night before.. the book is so tense.. i js couldnt affort to stop reading and do anything else.. but of course i still showered twice a day and ate thrice a day.. hahaha..

i luv it.. the last book is definitely a good one.. but i hate the fact that Fred is dead and George lost one of his ears.. i'm sort a fan of the twins, u noe.. haha.. but i also a fan of Ron-Hermione pairing.. and i'm VERY happy with the fact dat the two got married and had kids..

albus sevarnus potter.. err.. how could harry named his kid with that?? hahaha it js sounds so wat the hell.. and no ONE.. no ONE is named after Fred!! i js wish Rowling added something a little bit more.. where George got married [with me if possible] and named his son Fred.. hahahaha.. yeah rite, kiki.. keep dreaming..

anyway, i js cut my hair.. SHORT!! as short as pris.. or longer a bit.. i think.. anyway.. i just so tire of having long hair, as it started to falling.. it has been better since i cut it short.. and i know dat uncle will js say the same thing if i mention anything about my hair.. "it doesn't matter, kiki!! it's not like i can see your hair!!".. hahaha.. and i know widya will curse me for cutting it short.. and the rest of the ERRR family will not even care with what happened, happening, or will happen to my hair..

this post goes to siew kwan

2007-07-22T22:22:00.000+08:00

SIEW KWAN!!!!!!!

HERE!! I've updated the blog!!!

SATISFIED????????

Hahahaha.. okay, siew kwan.. happy now?? nothing is really happening with my summer holiday.. so each time i tried to update my blog, i really had nothing to write.. and i'm already quite busy trying to do my best in all my mandarin's homework.. which seems to be sooooooo impossible to handle.. hahahaha..

i'm home!!!!!!!!!!

2007-07-16T16:19:00.001+08:00

i'm finaly home!!!! phone got fixed, and everything is back to normal.. saudi was great.. just as always.. especially mecca.. still the best.. madinah was hot.. as in freaking hot.. it was 47C when the sun ws out and 37C at night.. gosh.. can u imagine the heat??

turkey is great.. i went only to istanbul.. but it's more than enough.. istanbul was ok.. normal temperature and a little windy.. nice weather.. the strait was great.. old istanbul is full of historical places.. very different with the new istanbul..

i cant really describe more.. it was an awesome yet tiring trip.. pictures should explain more..

purnama, me, devi, and putri.. blue mosque, Istanbul

me, mom, and devi.. Nabawi Mosque, Madinah

devi, mom, and i.. Harm Mosque, Mecca

fitri, indah, purnama, putri, me, and devi.. Golden Horn, Bosporus, Istanbul

me.. inside the Blue Mosque, Istanbul

devi and i.. Sultan Palace, Istanbul

mom, me, devi, and dad.. Gua Shira, Mecca

u should know the people by now.. in front of Blue Mosque, Istanbul

Roman Statue.. somewhere between Blue Mosque, Sultan Palace, and AyaSophia

URGENT

2007-06-26T13:29:00.000+08:00

ok people!! my phone is fucked up.. and it will be fixed only after my trip to saudi and turkey.. so if u want to contact me, u still can contact my indonesian number.. but yet, i dun have ur number [all numbers are stored in my phone memory].. i'll be using other phone but wit same number, and i'll maybe need to contact u or wat so ever in the mean time..

people dat i really need to giv me the number: steffi, dini, widya, hendro, elvin, megah, henny, nandia, tanti, intan , siew kwan, priscilla, jia cheng, tse tyng

ok, if those 14 people dun message me on friendster about their number.. i'll hunt u people down until i get ur numbers.. alrite?? ehehehe

she didnt make it

2007-06-23T15:32:00.000+08:00

i really do not know how to react.. ok.. she failed the test.. she needs to take a test to enter Sri Utama International School now.. i'm a bit disappointed with her.. it's not that my car will nw depends on my results.. it's just dat.. i'm so disappointed dat she didnt put max effort to study for the test.. Kolej Tuanku Ja'afar is like the only school dat my mom will allow her to go.. because of some rule and regulation differences dat the two school have..

my mom is now insisting on having her studying in Medan instead of Malaysia.. she can go to Malaysia later for foundation.. while my dad decided to give her another chance on Sri Utama.. personally, i dun really favour Sri Utama.. but i have a couple of friends from dat school, and i think it's not bad at all.. as long as she can study hard and doesnt influenced by her friends on every act..

for the car.. i still think i can get it.. as long as my results are fine, and i need to resit nothing.. i studied much harder compare wit last sem.. but still.. i'm human.. and there's such thing as human error..

despite of the car.. i really actually wish she will be able to study in Malaysia.. i mean, at least, i want her to have the same opportunity as i did.. although as an older sister, i know that she's a little bit too childish to leave home at that age.. but, i guess, it's worth being tried.. am i right?? and so wat if she didnt make it to KTJ??

mandarin conversation class

2007-06-22T12:27:00.000+08:00

hell yeah.. i'm taking madarin conversation class right now.. and first day was crap.. it was like.. wat the hell is going on???

i did three class already.. well, at least i can answer you if u ask me ni shenti hao ma? or if u as me where i live.. or how old i am.. i can count yi er san si wu liu qi ba chui shi and so on.. i can write wo, ni, ma, and ye... i can name days, sing qi yi, sing qi er, and so on..

but don't expect me to understand everything you say!! hahaha.. i'm not there yet.. hopefully i will, at the end of the program.. ok, people?? it was quite ok i guess after the third day.. it maybe sounds a little weird when i translate it word by word.. so i give translating it dat way, js trying to get a rough idea should be enough..

the only thing dat my teacher said i'm good at is that i pronounce words correctly each time!! especially when i say "mei you" or "shemme".. well, he just doesnt know dat i always hang out with those who speak mandarin and often let me in confusion!!! [uncle, pris, hui jing, siew kwan, and tse tyng.. yeah.. you guys at blame.. hahaha]

anyway, the class is fun, i guess.. hopefully i will be able to at least understand wat my fren say [and i wont be lost again!!].. and if God still loves me, i will be able to speak mandarin.. hehehhee..

i'm getting a car.. hahaha

2007-06-05T12:45:00.000+08:00

ok.. u can tell everyone but my dad!! he doesnt know dat i know!! hahahaha.. well, let's start how i'm pretty sure about this..

it's been two weeks since my summer holiday started.. my mom was in singapore wit my dad.. well, nothing much happened.. js me, took over the job as the "housewife" of the weekend.. then took over the "driver" of the weekend as well.. hahahahahaha.. yeah.. quite a busy weekend.. eylin and edy were around as well.. we went out and went wild on food hunting.. hahahha..

anyway, my mom and dad got back on monday.. dad went straight to his office.. while mom went straight to my room, as always.. everyone always go straight to my room.. without knocking, and without notice.. as in EVERYONE.. well, relatives only maybe.. by my mom's relatives are like alot..

a little chat with me and my grandmother's sister in law.. we talked, talked, on and on.. until she said something that make me so freaking happy.. "oh ya.. u'r getting a car.. regardless ur result.. it's because we need the car anyway.. i always go to malaysia once a month.. ur dad always go to malaysia as often as i am.. and ur sister will study there.. and u also always complaining about not having a car, anyway.. and dunt tell ur dad u know.."

hahaha.. it was the best thing someone has ever tell me!! i got alot of stuffs.. but wit my effort.. and this one is more like a present!! i dunt entitled for it yet.. but i'm getting a car.. and it's a CAR!! hehehehe..

ok then.. nothing else to write.. will update this later..

ok people.. i'm blogging again

2007-05-29T21:10:00.000+08:00

i'm so sorryyyy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i know!! i havent blogged in like forever!!

ok.. first of all.. the first thing my mom said when she looked at me was, "u got fatter.." err.. ok.. i know.. sssstt!! dun remind me.. it's very obvious.. gosh people.. fine.. i'll try to lose weight.. satisfy??

emm.. i also decided to stop acting childish.. starting wit outfits.. totally change it.. well, being mature is maybe only an excuse to change my style.. i dunnoe.. i just found dat tshirts dunt suit me anymore.. i dunnoe why.. really.. it's like.. kiki, u r going to be 19.. and 20 next year.. act more like ur age!! well, i feel something like dat.. hahahaha..

i have a job for my summer break.. tutoring my two cousins.. english [i knw dat my english is js so so... but good enough to teach 6th graded kids].. and tutoring my sister maths.. i got A star for my o level extended maths.. so i'm qualified to teach her, ok?? hahaha.. she's only going to form 4 anyway.,. it shouldnt be dat hard..

ok then.. nothing more to write.. i promise i'll update more often..

QAB = Big Liar

2007-05-15T19:04:00.000+08:00

scared to death.. that's wat i felt a day before my Quantitative Analysis for Business exam.. i may be good in maths, always get A in class test when i was doing my O Level.. got A+ for my Extended Maths during O Level.. CIMP?? gosh.. never got less than 75 for my Mathematics of Data Management..and i managed to get 81 for final.. in short, i luv maths to death!!!

but then, i dunnoe wat the hell is wrong wit me during university.. is it me that become lazier or it's actually the subject itself?? i just simply didnt know wat the hell is going on in class.. for the first six class, i found the class quite ok.. not bad, really.. then after dat, they switched lectuerer.. and guess who?? Dr. Ee!!! the freaking Business Finance Lecturer.. aaaarrggggggghhhhh!!!! wat the hell!!! it's a very small class, i must say.. only about 29 of us.. a small class, and she still managed to make us feel sleepy??

i was sort of TOO lazy to study for this module.. seriously.. LAZY TO THE MAX!! then.. two days before the exam, i decided to gamble on it.. i js studied the past year papers.. selected a few topics.. and concentrate on them only.. then, a night before.. i just so freaking freaked out!! it's maths paper, and i never felt not confidence at all for maths!!

then, on the day itself.. gosh.. i cant even describe how the hell i felt.. i sat there on the Great Hall.. looking at Dini that sat up front left.. Milton somewhere in front of me.. they look freaking ready.. "shoot!!".. that's all i can say..

but then.. the moment i turned the exam paper.. just a sec after that i giggled.. "BLEH!!!" that's exactly wat i feel inside.. the stupid freaking paper is like.. EASY!! the freaking formula sheet is so freaking useful and all.. i even actually can do 4 question instead of 3.. hahaha.. but, i'm not that jobless ok??

nw, i'm just hopping that my QAB result can push up my average result.. hehe..

exam

2007-05-11T06:30:00.000+08:00

well.. exams.. still have three more to go.. i'm quite confidence that i can pass my CEP, MAD, and NVC.. still have PnO, QAB, and Business Finance..

i study much harder than last time... i really hope that it will pay off.. i dun want to get disappointed like last semester.. especially because i'll only get a car if i pass all my papers.. this is tough man.. it's between life and death [yeah rite!!]

the thing is that, i'm so scared that i'll fail my QAB and business finance.. it's js because one stupid freaking reason.. the lecturer that thought me is Dr. Ee.. the least wanted lecturer on your list.. her lameness and stupidness and not respectiveness of her really driving me crazy..

well, js wish me luck!!

happy bday, jia cheng!!!!!

2007-05-07T03:09:00.000+08:00

uncleeee!!!!!!!!!!! happy birthday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! u r 19!!! i'm officially d youngest one in the ERRR today.. hahaha!!! wow!! wat a nice bday present from our nottingham university business school for u.. MAD1 exam on ur bday!! hahahha.. good luck wit dat ya uncle!!!

hm.. let me think how to describe u.. uncle is only 19.. he's one of the youngest in the EERR.. however.. he acts as if he's the oldest.. dat's why we all call him uncle!!.. hehehehe.. he's good at drawing anime.. and he's an anime otaku!! he has a MyVi car.. and he's too lazy to drive it to campus!! wat a shame!!!!

ok, uncle.. i need to continue my MAD.. see u in the great hall..

and why should i ask more??

2007-05-05T16:05:00.000+08:00

my mind is so fresh rit nw.. i wonder why, myself as well.. i'm moving on!! i mean!! i'm back!! the normal kiki is back!! it's not keeconk, that is childish and immature.. at least, i found kiki the parrot.. she's back!! somehow..

i'm currently listening to Ikhlas Tapi Jauh by V.E.. i luv this song.. i mean.. it makes me feel good inside.. its lyric sort of made me realise dat, yeah i like him and so what?? nothing to be ashamed of.. nothing to be hyper about.. nothing to miss like crazy.. it's just praising Allah SWT. for creating such a lovely person.. think of him makes me feel good.. seeing him makes my day.. talking to him makes me smile.. although we know each other, and cannot even be called as friends, dun u think Allah is so kind?? Allah still at least makes me feel good, makes my day, and makes me smile.. isnt it already a bless??? and why should i ask more??

i saw him two days ago.. nothing much.. he js passed by.. i even doubt that he saw me.. but, at the very least, seeing him makes my day.. at least, before stupid CEP exam ruined my day.. hahaha.. isnt it already a bless?? not everyone felt happy today.. not everyone smiled as he/she saw him passed by.. so, why should i ask more??

i start to know the real meaning of my name.. the real truth of the name that my parents gave me.. as an english word, Risky means dangerous.. but in the same time it means brave and never let go any opportunity.. as a name, Risky comes from Indonesian word, Rizky.. Rizky itself comes form Arabic word Rizq.. it means a bless or gift from Allah.. but i never thought of it on another term.. it can also mean, thanking Allah for every bless and gift.. Allah gives me so much already.. a nice name, lively family, loyal friends, and at the very least, him.. someone dat although i'm not close to, still able to make my day.. and why should i ask more??

this is getting annoying!

2007-04-26T22:10:00.000+08:00

can u just leave me alone???? among all people dat i know, u r d only one dat really make feel like killing rit now!!!!! this is getting too annoying!! ok, fine!! i like to have u around!! i will talk to u every single freaking day if i have the change!! i dun mind sitting there wit u although we dont talk much!! BUT!! this is getting very annoying!!

i have CEP paper on the 3rd, and i'm still in lecture 6!! i also have MAD to finish, and finance and QAB to practice!! it's just dat!! i need u to go away!!! i cant concentrate at all!!! i dunnoe wat to do js to get rid of you!! maybe get lost or something!! or maybe show urself once in awhile only will help a lot!!

i need to get reed of u frm my stupid freaking MIND!!!!

**note: do u get wat i mean??

reality of being in love

2007-04-24T00:22:00.000+08:00

arrrrrrrggghhhhh!!!!!!!!! stop teasing me, people!!! yeah2.. watever!!!!! i know that i act quite differently when i talk about him!! i know that i cant keep calm when i see him!! so, stop teasing me!!

list of the teasing:
~Uncle [JC]: i've made a 14 years plan for u.. 2 years to be his bestfren, 2 years to be his gf, 2 years to make him convert to muslim, 2 years to get married, 2 years to have kids, 2 years to get divorced from him, 2 years to win the divorce case in court and get his money..

~Riana: mother is deeply in love!

~Setan [dini]: OMG!! u and ur Aa [refer to a guy that is older than u in Sundanese]

~Tepot [steffi]: new invention from Risky Harisa Haslan, Vitamin O

~Megah: instead of vitamin O, u actually lack of vitamin W... vitamin waras [lack of sanity]

~Intan: relax, dude!! gosh.. u lost ur coolness.. i tot u always act mature, but, finally i can ensure myself that i'm older than u.. u act differently.. hahhahahahaha

~Widya: fail one of ur subjects, u'll see him during resit.. but u wont get a car if u fail one.. so, which one do u choose?? hihihihihi [evil laugh]

~Elvin: u like him?? him??? huahahahahahahahahahha!!!!!!! why him?? huahahahahaha.. why?? huahahaha.. [stop laughing u damn ass!!]

these are the things that i have to face everyday, recently.. arrrgghhh!! stop it people!!

come on people!! take this test!

2007-04-22T04:21:00.000+08:00

Create your own Friend Test here

siew kwan has this thing going on her blog.. so, i think i'll have one as well.. have fun wit it.. hehehehe.. hopefully u'll score well..

reality of being me

2007-04-20T14:43:00.000+08:00

people say that i have personality that either u'll love or u'll hate.. some people find me too talkative and nosy.. and stubborn, selfish, big ego, and too proud of myself.. and they hate me like hell!! i know that.. and i do notice those people that hate me.. and i'm aware why they hate me like hell.. i cant blame them.. however, some people find me humorist, lively, caring, loyal to friend, insane [in good way], loving my family, willingly to listen, and dedicated to her work [i think.. hahahaha].. and they love me to death..

so, wat do you think?? in which type of people do u belong to?? love me?? or hate me??.. ways, i wont blame.. if u hate me, just go away from my life and dun talk bad about me at my back.. js tell me straight away.. if u love me, let's have some fun.. MENG-GOKIL RIA!! hahahahaha.. meaning, let's go crazy 2together..

i can tell when someone actually love being with me.. they will laugh at my jokes, teasing me back when i'm teasing them.. instead of me asking them question, they will start asking me question first.. hahaha.. they will stop when we pass by.. talk for awhile, then leave.. they'll giv me "THE LOOK" when i'm talking about something lame, or when i'm talking about mas hati [and for sure, they are giving me the look already right now].. hahahaha..

it's just that.. i can tell.. that's me.. i just can tell.. but u want be able to tell whether i hate u or luv u.. well, u can differentiate whether i'm close to u or i know u, and dat's it.. because somehow, well i must admit, i'm a bit fake.. although i hate someone, i usually still being nice in front of them.. i dun talk about them at their back, though..

well, this post is actually just crap.. i need to clear my mind before actually continuing the stupid nvc assignment.. ok then.. have a nice day and good luck for exam..

human ego

2007-04-15T20:32:00.000+08:00

selfishness.. nothing more than that.. it's just simply human nature.. it's the main root of everything.. it's the root of this f**ked up world.. selfishness.. that's all it takes.. talking about selfishness is the start.. the start to fix this f**ked up world..

yeah.. it's just as simple as that.. i realised that pride will some time pull you down.. be careful of ur pride.. it's perfectly fine to be proud.. but it's necessary to keep it low sometimes.. you know, to avoid any unnecessary arguments.. healthy discussion is perfectly fine.. but didnt u often find ur healthy discussion ended up in a very harsh argument.. and u got pissed and thought that this world is so f**ked up??

but have you ever actually try to find out why?? selfishness.. it's still as simple as that.. everyone has this little evil inside them.. dnt deny it.. it's our nature.. the human ego.. and have u actually ever tried to reflect wat u had done?? probably.. u just the same.. the same with those who you curse or hate..

it's reality.. really.. and you know dat i'm not lying.. so why dont we all sit and think.. have i done something good today? have i done something bad today? and wat will God think of it?? see ur own reflection wit ur heart.. not ur mirror.. nobody's perfect.. and you've heard this crap every time..

but hv u realised that it's true?? have u realised that to Allah SWT [or whoever ur God is] still always giv u a chance each day to be perfect.. Allah always give u new chance in every breath u take.. Allah always give u new chance each time u wake up in the morning.. don't u realise dat taking ur life is something that Allah can do in a ZAP?? even less than a sec..

then, have u tried to find out why Allah always give u chance?? to become better.. that's the only reason that Allah let us know.. there's a huge pile of reasons that is unknown.. Allah knows more than you know.. Allah knows much better what is best for u.. as Allah is the almighty..

at then end you'll realise dat although it's impossible to be perfect.. it's freaking possible to be better each time.. this screwed world would be better, at least from ur view.. and why don't u just try to be better?? human ego is just our nature.. but it's possible to be better and keep the ego down.. so, why dont u try to be better??

**note: i used Allah instead of God because i believe that Allah is my God.. for those who have different belief, there's no attention to offense u [if u feel so] nor i'm trying to provoke discrimination of belief here.. please do interpret it correctly and dont get me wrong.. much respect..

bright bright sunny day!!

2007-04-11T20:07:00.000+08:00

life, as it is, is js so so.. nothing so special about it.. but life, wit a bright sunny day, is something that i'm looking forward every single day.. some of u, might actually know wat i mean wit a bright sunny day.. ahahahha.. of course.. a life without Mr. Sunshine would not be wonderful!! and i guess, some of u already know wat i'm going to talk about..

i met him.. this morning.. it was like.. DAG DIG DUG!!.. hahahha.. after stupid freaking 8 days.. i finally saw him.. oh gosh! i couldnt even say hi!! wasnt it sad??? for goodness sake!! i was just there walked by and dat's it!! no hi or watsoever!!!! arrghhhhhh!!!!!!! i was so stupid!!! stupid idiot bodoh hodo baka goblok paok!! [btw, they all mean the same].. he was.. well.. cute.. hahahahaha..

then i went to fajar to buy some snack for this friday.. ISN are having a Layar Tancap Night [watching movie in yard wit a projector].. but we're going to have it indoor instead of outdoor.. hahahaa.. dun expect us to watch it outside.. it will be freaking wat the hell!! btw, he's not coming for the program.. arrrghhh.. stupid annual dinner!! hehehehe..

i went back to my room, took some books, and went to sa to buy credit.. and he's still there!! kyahahahahahhaha.. can u imagine how i felt.. it was like the best moment i ever had in nottingham!! yeah.. i know that uncle, dini, steffi, and others are laughing rit now.. i walked out of sa.. and at least i finally waved at him!! and he waved back.. js like that.. the usual him.. so cold! hahaha..

went library and returned book.. and headed back to sa.. to check whether the credit lady is there.. and he was still there.. gosh.. it was such a bright bright sunny day!! hahahaha.. but unfortunately, my brightest day ended there.. i withdrew rm50 frm the atm mechine.. he went inside.. and i saw him walked towards sunbucks.. and i went upstairs.. and dat's it!!!!

i wish i can see him MORE OFTEN!! hahahhaa.. at least.. nyemangati hari gw!!!!!! hahahahaha..

sunshine

2007-04-05T01:58:00.000+08:00

i'm in LOVEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!! totally in LOVEEEEEEE!!!!!! i know that uncle, megah, and dini will be laughing their ass off reading this.. i've been talking about him for days now!! dini got sick of his name already.. hahahahaha...

well.. after almost one year i'm here.. i finally found someone that i can look up too.. a MOTIVATION at least!! but then.. it's been the same case for the past 2 years.. different believe.. he's catholic.. oh.. for goodness sake!! why i always like someone that's not muslim!! well, although my ex-boyfriend is muslim.. and one of those i liked in the past is muslim.. i rarely actually like a muslim!! God! help me!!

well, anyhow.. i just will never make a move on him because of the belief problem.. HOWEVER!!! i would love to be one of his close friends!!!!! which seems sort of impossible!! first of all.. different faculty!!! oh gosh!! life couldnt be any worse.. i even havent seen him in like three days..

he's just so cute!! the way he blushed dat time.. oh gosh! melted my heart, dude!! huahaha.. well.. really.. i prefer guys that DIAM-DIAM MENGHANYUTKAN.. cehh!!

ultimate april fool's!!

2007-04-01T17:01:00.000+08:00

we were having an ISN Ice Breaking Nite.. it was really fun.. although only ended up 20 people came.. luckily those who came are those who are crazy.. and willingly to do some stupid stuff together.. this gathering thing then was really fun.. and we got extra burgers!! hahaha.. we bought about 30 burgers.. isnt it awesome??? we got the extra burger for free!! hehehehe..

you can go and check things out here"
http://s148.photobucket.com/albums/s20/573ff1/ISN%20Ice%20breaking%20nite/

then, me, dini, hasan, steffi, megah, intan, hendro and tyas went to 1utama to watch movie.. dini, megah, intan, and tyas was in dini's car.. while me, hasan, steffi, and hendro were taking a cap.. unfortunately.. after queuing up in the line, tyas called us and told us that there were no more ticket left.. or maybe.. there were.. it's just that.. well, some will know wat i mean..

after putting so much effort, we just simply werent meant to watch movie dat night.. we decided to go to subang jaya and lepak a while there.. at asia cafe, specifically.. oh gosh!! i miss that place.. it's been ages since the last time i was there.. i love the size of the drink.. hahaha.. medium will be large.. and large will be super duper LARGE.. hahaha...

but the thing.. all of us were like so lazy to take a cap.. so, we were like, well 8 of us, in dini's little satria car.. hahahahhaa.. can u imagine that??? dini was driving.. i was sitting in front wit her.. and the rest were like at the back.. dun ask me how they could fit there.. hahaha.. totally.. u really would not like to know how.. hahaha..

it was almost 3.. and we were on our way back.. and somewhere on our way back, there were three polices stood in the road and did some regular checking.. we all were like "SHITTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!".. Hasan, who were sitting on hendro... straight away lay himself to hendro.. made it as if he was sitting on the back sit, instead of sitting on hendro.. megah, who was sitting on steffi, wuickly ducked her head to her left [towards hasan], and intan ducked her head in front.. and tyas covered her up with jacket..

then.. GOD still loves us!!!!!!!!! the police in front just let us go.. everybody was like almost shouting of joy.. but i quickly told them "sssssshhhhhh!!!! wait till get far.. duck ur head!! dun put it up first.." and u wat happened next.. after got quite far.. all of us were like shouting like hell "YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"

and yeah.. God still loves us..

miracle DOES happen!!

2007-03-30T01:49:00.000+08:00

i finished my CEP [contemporary economics policy] assignment!!!!!!!!!!!!! In 5 hours non-stop!!!!!! well, the pain in ass [literally], a can of nescafe ice, two tick and one small text books, a huge pile of notes, wind that blows at night [i did the assignment in admin block the sitting area outside.. and i'm currently still there.. waiting for edy], and of course a tick oil level in my face are all worth it!!!!

i'm somewhat very confidence in it.. i've send it to my dad and uncle for checking.. just in case i did it wrongly.. i hope i wont fail this subject.. because i've studied macro-economics before.. and Mr. Z!! ur text book is so useful!! unlike the text book that Mr. Jason told us to have.. [i know uncle is nodding his head right now, agreeing wit me]..

i still have NVC and QAB to do.. nvc finish the 500 words already.. but still have the 3000 words to do.. QAB only finished 1st and 2nd questions.. tomorrow will do the third one with dini.. pray for me okay!!!!

people and organisation

2007-03-28T09:24:00.000+08:00

this time.. the title really has nothing to do with the post.. it's just the class i'm in right now.. as in, i'm actually inside the lecture hall for people and organisation class.. yeah.. hahaha.. and i'm doing something illegal.. hahaha.. which is came to class for the sake of getting a higher speed of internet.. i mentioned about my room internet connection already right?? in the previous post??

i'm even actually listen at whatever he's saying.. he usually makes nice jokes and that's totally keep me awake.. but it's a different case today.. he looks too serious!! hahahahha.. however, i must admit that he's the only lecturer for this semester that gain my attention..

i'm going to fajar after having brunch wit the rest of the guys.. i'm so desperate to get this one jdrama of koike teppei and i couldnt find it on internet to download.. i'm ok wit a malay subtitle as long as i watch koike [i know.. uncle will be laughing his ass off reading this..]

speaking of the guys.. it's been two weeks since i overslept on monday and missed MAD class.. the weird thing is that i actually still able to made it for P&O on wednesday.. the thing is MAD starts at 10.. and P&O starts at 9.. and why i didnt oversleep on wednesday??? i was like going to sleep at around the same time at the previous days... hm.. uncle said it must something to do with the negative aura from Ms. Hung.. hahahhahahaa.. and the ironic thing is that the rest of the "EEERRR" [tse tyng's term] is like nowhere to be found.. hahahhahahaha.. at least i'm at the better position.. i only missed MAD.. they all are like missing MAD and P&O [except tse tyng.. she attended the MAD class this monday]..

ok then.. got nothing else to say.. hahahha..

i "salute" pioneer and extreme broadband alot!!

2007-03-21T16:46:00.000+08:00

life couldnt get any worse.. a black out in tioman hall.. and FYI, tioman hall is the dorm where i'm currently staying.. and this stupid company that named themselves as pioneer is such a pain in the ass.. wat the hell, you know!! students' purpose to stay on campus is to make their life somehow easier.. but yet, this stupid pioneer makes everything seems impossible..

first of all, the fact that there's at least two black out in one semester.. isnt it insane??? the air-cond is working, the electricity is somewat working.. but the fan and the lights are not working!! and i would like to named is as "half-born" blackout!

and now, my room is turning into a disco floor! did u get wat i mean?? the lights is like on and off for quite sometimes.. while i'm writting this paragraph, i've lost count of how many times it's been on and off..

another thing is stupid broadband that named themselves as extreme broadband.. yeah.. the name say it all.. the connection from this broadband is extremely irritating!! first of all, i paid for a 100mb speed!! but all i get is a 100mb speed of browsing, and a 10mb downloading speed!! it said that it takes me 34 hours just to download the first part of Dragon Zakura episode 6!! isnt it insane?? and the whole episode only takes me 45 minutes to watch??? hey!! it's not worth a shit to wait 34 hours just to watch my lovely Koike Teppei [btw, he's so cuteeeee!!!!!!] for not even the whole 45 minutes!!

and that's not the only problem that this stupid broadband gives me.. after waiting, let say 4 hours, and i've completed around 30% of the file, the connection suddenly crashed and i need to redownload it again.. i hate my accommodation like hell!!

i cant wait to move out and stay in TTS and change my internet connection to maxis broadband or streamyx [that's also if they actually thinking of opening a branch here in semenyih].. i curse u pioneer and extreme broadband!!

randomness

2007-03-13T14:47:00.000+08:00

a random thought.. it's three o''clock.. and i'm freaking sleepy.. two more hours till the ISN meeting.. oh gosh.. my life is sort of down, rit now.. as in.. i'm not in the mood for a couple of days.. dun ask me why.. as me, myself, do not know why.. just got carried away..

after wondering for quite some times, i somehow remember my first post here, in blogspot.. hm.. i pity nottingham malaysia campus alot!! freaking lack of cute and hot guys!!!! oh gee!! there's no motivator to come to class.. hahahahahahha..

oh God! pleas bless me!! give me some sunshine in this campus.. at least one!! well, one is supposed to be be enough already, but nvm..

yeah.. hate me because of this trashy post..

the smile of that spot

2007-03-09T19:31:00.000+08:00

all i feel is emptiness.. why cant i fill my life wit all great memories?? why there's nothing worth to remember??? why i always feel that something is not there, when it's supposed to be there.. why there's always been an empty spot right there?? always in the same spot from your eyes.. always in the same place..

nothing that can make me wake up early in the morning and look forward for the day.. nothing special that make me want to live my life to the fullest.. because there's always been this spot.. a spot that never been filled..

i never know what i'm actually looking for on every step i made.. i never know the purpose of all words that came out from my lips.. i never know the meaning of sacrificing myself for one.. i never know the truth behind whatever words that came through my ears.. just because of one spot.. one spot that has always been empty..

some just ignore this phenomenon.. but this empty spot will change the way u view the world.. this empty spot will change your attitude towards others.. this one little empty spot is your pulse of life.. this one spot is your everything..

i'm pretty sure that u'r wondering about what is this empty spot.. it's a spot that u suppose to see with ur eyes.. it's a spot where u'll see someone smile at you earnestly.. and most of time, u thought u see that someone in the spot pretty well, but u'r not..

because u just simply havent found it.. i havent found it.. and that's why i think that life is never according to wat i've planned.. because when u can spot the smile wit ur eyes, u wont have to worry about how things turn out.. because you wont plan ur life anymore..

but you'll seek something more important than a perfect life.. u'll seek ur dream.. each failure is only one step closer to your dream.. believe in faith.. believe in urself.. u just have to find the smile of that spot.. the smile of those who are important to you.. the smile from those who think that u are important to them.. the joy of friendship..

hate it love it

2007-03-07T12:47:00.000+08:00

Indonesia vs. Malaysia

Indonesia
The Hates
-- I hate Indonesia.. corruption drives me crazy..
-- I hate Indonesia.. stupid gvrnmnt concerns 'bout nthing bt money n popularity..
-- I hate Indonesia.. some people are just so citist..
-- I hate Indonesia.. some people's mindset is just so narrow..

The Loves
-- I love Indonesia.. because I am Indonesian, wz born n lived there till i'm 14..
-- I love Indonesia.. the only home i want to return to..
-- I love Indonesia.. relatives and most of my great friends are there..
-- I love Indonesia.. the youth passion is something real..

Malaysia
The Hates
-- I hate Malaysia.. so many freaking rules for International Student..
-- I hate Malaysia.. some people are just so racist..
-- I hate Malaysia.. there's almst no freedom 2 speak out ur opinion in public..
-- I hate Malaysia.. some people think they are in higher level than Indonesians..

-- I love Malaysia.. i study here since i'm 14.. and gonna be 19 this year..
-- I love Malaysia.. some people are so interested in Indonesian culture..
-- I love Malaysia.. kedai mamak is d best n d cheapest place 2 hang out..
-- I love Malaysia.. because i currently live here.. hahaha..

well, although i hate these two countries to some extent.. deep down, i love them.. despites all the stupid things that i dun like.. it's impossible for one to love something but not hate it in the same time.. everything has its own good and bad.. just like us, an individual..

updated me

2007-03-02T01:01:00.000+08:00

10 things i've done on february and 1st day of march:

1. got my 1st semester results.. and it was bad..
2. had the first ISN [Indonesian Students at Nottingham Malaysia] meeting..
3. went back to Indonesia.. and had a boring holiday..
4. got a new cousin from my dad's side.. helped to give her a nice name.. my choice was then selected.
5. got a red t-shirt from tse tyng.. it's really cute!!
6. started to watch anime again, aften 3 months of absence..
7. got elected as ISN creative team..
8. skipped the second hour of business finance and went to midvalley wit pris, tse tyng, and kim..
9. ate sushi king, and yet still ate dinner cooked by steffi..
10. updated my deviant art account..

speaking of deviantart.. these are three new picture that i've uploaded.

Universitas Sumatra Utara by ~keeconk on deviant ART

my ritual room by ~keeconk on deviant ART

lighthouse by ~keeconk on deviant ART

my little sis, Devi

2007-02-17T18:57:00.000+08:00

Introduce u to my little sister, Dhaifina Dwihasri or also knows as Devi.. She's four years younger than me.. we have the same face texture.. that's why some people say that we look alike.. unfortunately, we are just so different..

let's start with our fashion taste.. i luv a vintage style wit a little hip hop touch.. u'll see me around wit double shirt.. i luv sneakers and comfy sandal.. necklaces and danau toba bracelets are things that i cant let go.. i luv bags.. i like any kind of bags, as long as the bag suit me.. i wear some make up.. yeah.. just to brighten up my face.. just a little touch.. my sister, on the other hand, is sort of punk-emo girl.. she luvs t-shirt, especially body gloves, roxy, spider bilt, bilabong, and any other similar brand.. slim jeans are her favourites, recently.. convers shoes or slippers.. and no make up.. but she luvs her hair looks feminine.. it was straightened and got a nice feminine cut..

then music.. i luv oldies songs.. 90s and anything older than that.. some 90s indonesian songs are also in one of my favourite playlists.. quality is something that i look at in music.. it's not only have to be good, but also can be enjoyed in the future.. there's only one band that i luv to death, my chemical romance. although they're a little bit off from what i usually like.. somehow my sister luvs my chemical romance as well.. she luvs panic in the disco! and any other hits songs.. as in songs that can make u move, e.g. cassey, rihanna, justin, and many more.. she luvs indonesian bands.. nidji and ungu will be bands that she luvs to death.. any punk, alternative, and emo band will be in her favourites list..

in study, i'm more like the "idiot" one.. i need to read the book a thousand time before i can understand wat ever it says.. i stuck here and there most of the time.. worse come to worst, i need to memorize some stuff when i can understand the terms.. on the other hand, understanding something is not something that so hard to do for her.. she can just read the book once and somehow understands it..

but somehow, wit all of this differences, i just realise that the two of us are really close.. we went to sun plaza to have some lunch and have a little fun.. we sat beside a lady and her daughter .. the two of us were talking about her school and some of her friends.. and somehow, we talked about our dad.. we mentioned his name somehow.. this lady then asked Devi who's the one that actually my dad's daughter.. then i pointed at both of us..

believe it or not, she's my mom's fren.. she thought my sister is the one that study in malaysia.. then after she found out that i am the one, she asked in which university does my sister study in.. and i couldnt stop laughing.. she looked at me and asked me why i laughed.. i told her that she's still in form 3.. we all couldnt stop laughing. then she made me realised..

"it's only the two of you right in the family? wow.. i'm amazed.. the two of you are really close... and you are like four years old different.. my daughters are not as close as you guys wit their siblings.. "we looked at each other.. yeah.. she was rit.. not many siblings are close wit each other..

i just conclude that the two of us, somehow just manage to understand the differences between us.. so.. for u guys.. if u feel that u aint close to ur siblings.. it aint that hard.. just try to understand them..

he finally understands

2007-02-14T16:40:00.000+08:00

i failed my business economics A.. well, my first failed ever.. really sad if u wanna know.. but, as i told u before, good grade is not wat i'm looking for anymore.. it's improvement that i'm looking for.. mr. avvari said i might have to retake the test and redo the assignment.. to be honest, i'm disappointed wit myself.. only if i did my assignment more seriously, i might just be able to pass..

i messaged my dad about my results.. well, the results are the worst result ever.. i couldnt help myself but cried when i told him my results.. surprisingly, he didn't scold me.. it was just so not him.. he then told me that now i know that university is something different.. very different from O Level or CIMP.. and i just kept quite.. yes, i won't argue back when i'm wrong.. he just said, it's okay.. if u have to retake, then just retake.. show it to urself that u actually can do better than that..

for once, i agreed wit him.. it also somehow reminds me that this thing called university is something totally different.. i really need to find new way of studying.. wat i fear the most is that the results are only provision.. it might be change in the future.. it's just that i'm so afraid if the mark will go down.. i dunnoe wat to do.. it will be really bad.. it's just that, my accounting and my business law is just pass!! so if they somehow increase the pass mark.. i'll be for sure die!!

anyway, another surprising thing is my studying organisation.. i got 57!! a second lower class!! and it's almost second upper class!! i thought i'm going to fail this one.. but the fact is that i failed business econs but not this is somehow relieving.. i can be now very sure that management study is really my thing..

most of all, i'm so glad that my dad is not mad at me.. he seemed very understanding.. somehow, i guess, he changed by time.. i just do not want to fail him.. as the oldest child, it's like my responsibility to be the best.. well, somehow.. so at the end, i can just conclude that i should try harder next time..

i finally luv my own country's music..

2007-02-11T23:21:00.000+08:00

yeah.. that's rite.. i didnt actually listen to indonesian songs.. sad maybe.. but i just simply didnt like it.. well, i used to listen to indonesian songs when i was in standard forms.. i dunnoe how, but then i started to listen to english songs.. and since then, i never really into indonesian songs..

then.. my sister is now a teenagers.. she luvs listening to music, especially punk band.. but in the same time, she luvs indonesian group band songs.. each time i'm home.. the first thing i notice when i open my [well, my sister's and my] room is a song is being played.. and it's usually an indonesian songs..

she usually uses our computer that has a very nice speaker.. so there's no point of me to on my songs from my laptop.. at the end i just lay there, in my bed, playing the sims 2 from my laptop and listening to the song somehow..

when i'm in malaysia.. somehow, i start to miss some of those songs.. then, trying to find the songs in Multiply.. put it on my playlist and listen to it day and nite.. and now, i find indonesian songs as relaxation.. well, as long as i get the good quality songs.. as in, not songs that will only stay in ur mind for a very short period time.. but songs that u will enjoy later on in the future..

I LOVE MY OWN COUNTRY'S MUSIC!!

death

2007-02-08T12:56:00.000+08:00

my dad's sister, which is my auntie, just pass away yesterday.. she was in penang, doing chemotherapy.. i dun exactly know what time and how.. will find out about it later when i'm home during the chinese new year.. honestly, i dun really feel sad, as i dun really close with my dad's siblings.. but, among all, she was the one that i respect the most.. well, somehow.. it's just some family matter..

although i'm not that sad, it's actually another reminder to me.. that someday, i will be like her.. laying down in a coffin, ready to be grassed.. it's just the matter of time.. just need the right time and place.. every second, we lost some of our life.. on our birthday, we actually getting closer to our death..

cheating death.. some people believe that they can cheat their death.. they are wrong.. if somehow they say they've cheated death, it's totally non-sense.. it's just because it's not your time yet.. at the end, we all have to make sure that we have to try to change ourselves, make a better person out of you..

and here i am, thinking about life and death.. thinking about how sinful i am.. thinking about wat should i do to erase all of my sin.. thinking about how to make a better person out of me..

intuition

2007-02-06T00:20:00.000+08:00

i'm going back on chinese new year break.. huahahahaha.. thx to the time table.. i have a ten days holiday.. isnt it nice??? going back home is actually something quite controversial.. some people think that i'm wasting my money on it.. i'm using malaysia airlines some more..

this controversial thing is just making me trying to find excuses.. not only for them, but also trying to giving excuses to myself.. or more likely lying to myself.. trying to make myself feel less guilty.. and it's something that just simply hard to explain..

first of all, the 10 days holiday.. it will such a waste if i stay in kuala selangor.. i'll be back to kuala selangor on thursday.. my cousins will only back from their boarding school or having holiday start either on friday or saturday.. will only see them, let say, sunday.. that's also if i really gonna see the other ones.. and after that, they'll be back to their boarding school on tuesday, and some of them will start school on wednesday.. that will leave me with nothing-to-do-but-sleep-eat-and-watch-tv thursday, friday, saturday, and sunday.. and that will absolutely driving me crazy..

secondly, my mom will be on jakarta by the time i'm home.. dad will be busy in his office.. and the whole big family [my mom's big family] will be in jakarta as well.. as there will be a relative's wedding by that time.. my dad himself will join them on either friday or saturday.. in short, no one will watch over my sister.. as the eldest, it is sort of my responsibility to watch over her.. so, that's another consideration that my mom and i came out wit during the weekend..

it will also be better for be to be home because i'm starting to missing it.. i dont exactly know why.. it's just something is aint rite.. some from home that make me feel i need to be at home.. it's just something like my intuition.. and that one, i cant explain..

and about malaysia airlines thingy.. if you are a business student, i'm pretty sure you know what i mean.. BRAND LOYALTY.. we, my family and i, just cant get rid of our stupid asses from malaysia airlines.. it is very rare for it to delay the flight.. it has a better choice of flights' time compare with any other airlines.. and the whole family is its enrich member.. we get free ticket from the ammount of miles we traveled!!! and there's a whole bunch of considerations that my family have against other airlines..

so, just let me do watever i want.. as long as it doesnt harm u in some way.. no offense at all.. if u feel that way, please bare wit me okay.. i have my own life.. and as an Indonesian family that use Deli Malay culture in our every life, it may be hard for you to understand the way we do stuff..