You?! Mature?! You gotta be kidding me!

The title says it all after all. Yes, really. I get that a lot! When I say I'm mature, people will tend to give me a disapproving look. I may not act like an adult, but it doesn't mean I'm not mature. I'm twenty, people. Keep that in mind please. Have you seen anyone that is about the same age as I am?! Does any one of them act like I do?! I bet, no. None of them.

On average, my friends are around 21-22 years old, and quite a number of them are 23-25 years old. I've been the youngest since my pre-u time. It's just an obvious fact that I will act childish or act less mature than anyone of them, but really, don't you guys realise that I act older than I am?! Another friend of mine, just a few months older than me (and yet I call him uncle XP~), is just another similar case. He's even worse maybe. He acts too old for his age. Hahaha..

Anyway, back to the main topic. Not being rascal or doing what others are doing doesn't make me any less mature. And it doesn't mean I'm naive and just a kid and do not know the real world. No, I don't smoke. No, I don't drink. And no, I don't go clubbing. That doesn't make me any less mature than anyone else. I believe in my religion and have been trying my best to live my life up to its standard.

But, it doesn't make me a holy person that you have the right to judge me if I do something wrong. I mess up sometimes, of course. I swear a lot, and I'm working my ass off to stop swearing. I did some bad stuff that you wouldn't even want to know what. But I don't have to tell the whole world about it. And so I wear veil, but please, stop asking me "Can I see your hair?! I wanna see I wanna see". Well, too bad if you are a guy, unless you are married to me or my relative, then you wouldn't get to see it. Seriously, each time you ask me to show you my hair, there is a certain part of me that wants to. Wants to just show you the newest hair style I have. Wants to show the rest of the world that I'm just like any other young adult; victim of fashion (Yes, I dyed and highlighted my hair. I even permed it!). And if you ask me a simple question like, "Will you show your hair to your boyfriend?" I will definitely answer you with "No, I won't". But I'm a normal human being, and by saying so, I know that deep inside I won't mind my boyfriend seeing my hair at all. Like I said, I mess up too.

It's hard. Really. To try to hold to what I believe in. Don't tell me that I'm a good girl and I don't know how it feels like to be fucked up. I know how it feels like, okay. Maybe our definition of being fucked up is different. But really, doesn't it mean only one thing; you messed up. I messed up lots of times before. Big time. No one has the idea of how hard it is not to be tempted but everything around you. Do you have any idea how tempting it is to see someone smoking?! Or drinking?!

Smoking is the hardest part. My dad smokes, my cousins smoke, and most of my close friends smoke. There is always this urge to try it out, thinking that maybe by doing so I can forget about my problem for awhile and able to enjoy that one little moment of sweetness. I have asthma, and smoking is not an option for me. Drinking?! I know a lot about it, for someone that don't drink. I know the brands, the names, the mixtures, and bla bla bla. Have it ever occur to you that deep down I want to try it too? To at least know how it tastes like?! To know how sophisticated it feels to taste that one glass of tequila mixed with orange juice and grenadine syrup?! The colour itself has tempted me so much.

Back to what I was saying earlier; not doing or acting like an adult doesn't make me any less mature than anyone else. Or less screwed up like anyone else. I believe that being able to restrain myself from doing stuff that I believe I shouldn't do is an act of maturity itself. Not even adults themselves have the courage or will to do so.

I don't mind being called childish in a joking way, but it does get to my nerves sometimes when people say I'm the good girl and I don't know how it feels like to be fucked up, at the end of the day implying the fact that I don't smoke, drink, or do clubbing thus I don't know how it feels like to be them. In fact, I do. Because I see these kind of thing regularly in my everyday life. And I don't have to be fucked up to actually know how it feels like to be literally fucked up.