it's happening again

i'm js so used to be left out, that i dun evel feel sad or sorry for myself anymore.. i guess.. it kind of killed my feeling.. i'm still my sensitive old self.. but in the same time, the part of me that luv to socialise wit people had somehow died long time ago..

i'm sharing my feeling, story of the day, and anything to my friends.. but somehow, i never feel the connection that i was once use to cherish all the time.. i tried, and still am trying, to become close with them, and built the connection to become not only friends, but also as comrades [u may knw it better as nakama]..

and here the list

standard forms:
1. i was in top students class.. but one of the stupidest in class..
2. i was already fat.. and my classmates loved to tease my size alot..
3. i lived wit my grandmom for quite sometimes, and i was damn stupid in Islamic Studies.. i only able to read Quran only when i entered standard 5..
4. my sister did way better than me in school.. so i couldnt get what i wanted most of the time..
5. i was always the one that everybody forgot to include in any activity they have..

junior high school:
1. i was part of the class representatives for the whole three years.. and people thought that i was taking my job too seriously..
2. i was going out wit someone way older.. that my friends started to think i acted way too mature for my age..
3. i was considered as one of those kids that live in luxury since i was studying in government school.. that my friends always drew this gap between us..
4. i was abit narrow minded back then.. that i had more guys friends compare to girls..
5. i was always the one that everybody forgot to include in any activity they have..

high school:
1. i was the only one wearing veil in my batch.. that my classmates often looked at me as if i was a freak or something..
2. i was a loner when i was in form 4.. drawned myself in huge pile of text books..
3. i was better in form 5.. but often found huge differences in way of life wit my friends since i take religion seriously..
4. i was always the one that everybody forgot to include in any activity they have..

marticulation program:
1. i was the only indonesian that used to speak english that my friends thought i was somehow arrogant..
2. i was under pressure frm my dad that i should enter nottingham university business school.. i studied really hard.. but yet my friends thought i was just showing my intellegence off in class..
3. i was trying to be friendly and bubbly.. but i just so used to be a loner back in high school.. that some friends actually think i overdid it..
4. i was always the one that everybody forgot to include in any activity they have..

university:
1. i am this not so smart girl that finally entered the university her dad wanted her to enter.. and taking business as what her dad told her to instead of architector js like what she has been dreaming of..
2. i am this not so smart girl that finds it difficult to put her low level of intellegency beside everyone that always seems to get high marks..
3. i am this girl who lost her goals after entering business course and starts to slacking off alot..
4. i am this girl who tries her best to study and get good marks.. but yet at the end gets frustrated bcz she cannot cope with it and end up cries over her own pity self without anyone knowing it..
5. i am still trying to become friendly and able to socialise wit people.. but still fail to build up trust..
6. i am still the one that everybody forget to include in any activity they have..


i think that's more than enough.. more than enough to kill my feeling of careness, love, and exciting feeling with others.. but i'm still hoping.. that i wont be the one that everybody forget to include in.. i wish some day.. or at least.. there's this one dayy when i feel like i'm needed as a friend.. just a friend that have to be there.. and i realise i'm somehow wishing too much..