bad mood!

I feel like hitting something, killing someone, or tearing something apart. Anything. It's only 9am and damn it I'm in such a bad mood. For some weird reason I'm just a bit a moody.

Nothing is worse, worse than getting moody without any reason!!

Or maybe there's a reason, but I just don't realise it yet.

Sigh.

UK

OMFG. How long has it been since I last updated?! So yeah, I'm in UK. I still have difficulty in accepting the fact that OMG I'm in UK! LOL. I'm exaggerating, I know.

So what's new? Well, my flatmates are pretty nice. Paulina is generally nice. Ellen is cute and really bubbly. And Pam is a nice chatmate to have during dinner and such. It's just the four of us, and we have totally different schedule. I see Ellen most of the time because she's just like me, she stays at home most of the time. Pam and I often prepare our dinner together, pretty much because our dinner time is about the same. And oh, we cook separately of course. And Paulina. She seems to be nice, but I rarely meet her. She's with her boyfriend most of the time.

Classmates. I love almost everyone there. Julie is definitely the best. She's English, but used to lived in New Zealand for two years. I can say that she's the closest to me. Then there's Sonia, a Slovakian. She has American accent and is really easy to get along to. And she's bubbly too! We often go back to Raleigh Park together. In fact, I find myself sitting with Julie and Sonia most of the time. And oh, we are going to Oxford this saturday. I'm pretty excited about it. Then there's Tracy, a Chinese girl. She's really nice and all. And she gave me this chinese balm when I was sick. Potential good friend I must say. And Yker! Omg, he's so cute! As in for a twenty seven years old guy, I find it easy to get along with him. And he's Venezuelan. He's accent is really soothing for some reason.

The other Indonesians. Ehm. There's Bilah, which I knew back since when I was in Malaysia. We do grocery shopping together! She's just lovely. There's Janefer and the brother Ivan. Quite unique siblings. Then Gianni, a funny guy. Michelle! OMG! She's the true food lover! She can eat more that I do, and she's still skinny! And she's hilarious too! The rest, em, I don't know them that well yet, but I kind of like Ima and Ann. They're really nice.

Oh! Milton gave me a brown scarf. He bought it online and got it sent to me. ROFL. To be honest, my own scarf is like way thicker than the one he gave me, but hey! At least he gave me something, which pretty weird because he never gave me anything. But I kind of like it. The colour is subtle and it can match any of my clothes. Unlike my pink/purple/indigo or basically colourful thick scarf which i think more suitable for winter.

Ehm.. Let me think of what else I've missed. Oh Kelvin! He's JC's classmate. Omg. This guy is just plain cute! He's like the type of little brother that you would want to bully every single day. Of course, other than the fact that he's actually twenty three years old. And trust me, he's just 165-167cm. ROFL. SHORT! More reason to bully him. But it's fun to hang out with him. He's easy to get along with and guess what, he can speak Japanese!! Sensei!!!!!! I'm so making him to improve my Japanese! ROFL.

First month in Nottingham, UK. And I find it pretty lively and colourful so far. And I'm adapting well.

It's his birthday

I would never forget that very first love I had. I would never forget how calm and addicting his voice was. Who would imagine that it all started with him singing those beautiful notes. Who would have imagined that distance weren't really a problem from him and I. Well, at least not until I got my ass to across the border line, but we were good.

It's his birthday. I remember well. The birthday of someone that was the very first important person in my heart. I used to call on his birthday. Three times, I believe, of those almost three years we had. He always pretended that he was shocked that I remembered. How could I forgot such an important date?! Even until now, I still remember. On every 13th of September, I always remember. He was so far, but yet so close.

Now, when he was just a few miles away from me, I have no courage to actually go and meet him. How long has it been since we called it quit?! Four years? Five? I don't know. And I do not want to know. I do not want to know how long it has been for be to be so pathetic still think of him as someone important.

Do I still love him? Maybe, I don't know. But I can feel that I need to remember his presence, because without him, I won't be who I am right now. It was him that made me discover the beauty of the religion that I believe in. It was him the one that made me believe that I should not just be a muslim on my ID, but deep inside my heart as well. I have to say that I'm still far from what he said a soleha. But I know that without him, I wouldn't even take the first step to be one.

I still remember those little sneaking up that we did because we didn't want my parents to find out about us. I still remember how he used to sing the song that I made until I was so sick of my own song. I still remember how his writing looks like. And I always love the way he address himself with his name and the way he called my name. He never treated me like a kid, no matter how much he knew how mature he were and how I was being such a brat.

It's his birthday. And all I did was sending him an sms. I still haven't found the courage to say "Thank you for what we had." Because we never really had any fight. We never really had any argument. We were just being there for each other.

Sigh. Really. Thank you for what we had. And happy birthday.

how to stop this?

JC said I should stop being passive and start making my move. I thought it was possible, but really when I got basically no respon from whatever I do, I literally just gave up. Please someone remind me again why I'm stuck in this stupid situation?!

It's like I'm being worried about something that is not even confirmed yet. Or I'm being paranoid over something that I know might not even there. Not only that, those little hopes that keep on popping out each time are killing me. Please.. stop.

I'm not the type of person that actually really care about something like this, but I always end up brust when my heart cannot take it already. I actually cried, just like that. I woke up just like any other day, and I just started crying. I didn't know why, but I just did. I was supposed to be driving that day, but thank god Pris was being a great best friend like she had always been and decided to drive my car to Cinileasure that day.

Seriously, it really does come to the point where I feel like such a loser. I really do not understand why. But I want to show my affection, and I believe I do. Yet it seems like it fails. Even until now honestly. When I thought it's finally over (because JC told me that I wouldn't have to be bothered about it after exam ended), things turned out to be different. Unexpected, and it reminds me of how I feel.

Stop.. please.

Miracles

I wasn't the one that experience it. It was merely just a role that I play. How long has it been? About eight months, I believe. It was just a role. Writting out from his point of view, controlling his every move, as well as deciding on what type of person he is. It was really, just a role that I play. Never really thought playing such role would end up giving me the best lesson ever. On how important it is for us to actually be thankful of those little miracles that are given.

Have I even actully thought that being able to breathe, walk, see, and live is actually a miracle? I don't think so. Being born, being taken care for, and being guided are miracles. We were just born with those little inactive brain cells. Learning process was all we took to become what we are today. Have I ever realised that those songs that I learned how to sing when I was small actually helping me to activate those brain cells? It's brilliant, the way those brain cells work with just a little stimulating from simple routine.

To think that we were just nothing but two different sets of chromosomes, it's amazing how these created a human being. And how those DNA lines managed to form our personality, our hair colour, our face, and even something like skin colour. Somehow, I feel excited when I see a pregnant lady. I was like, "She's going to have the greatest miracle ever."

Okay. Now, I sound as if I want kids of my own -___-"

Anyway, back to main topics. So this role of mine that I've been playing for quite sometimes really make me feel that there are lots of simple things that I often miss out. I never really noticed how much simple conversation can often makes you feel better. Say, it is early morning and being greeted kindly with some simple questions like "Have you had your breakfast?" or "What are you planning to do today?" actually boosts up your mood. If the first thing in the morning that you get is some hard scold and criticism, the chance of your day being misarable is really high.

What I notice from my summer holiday is how much a little privacy sometimes makes me feel better. The day when I can have my time in front of my laptop right after I wake up actually makes me less moody. Typical awesome day will be waking up from my own alarm, turning the laptop on and put on some music, brush teeth, and I'll be walking around the house just for the sake of letting everyone knows that I'm awake. Then things tend to get easier. When my mom asks me to go out with her, despite the fact that I have nothing to do with it, I tend to just agree with it - unlike any other day when I wake up because of the banging on my door and the grumpy noise outside my room and me walking to the bathroom lazily and unwillingly where my chances of saying NO is much higher.

In short, our way of treating people around us will indeed create some sort of "miracle", simply because I believe that a good day is a bless and it is counted as a miracle.

I don't know what I'm writing really. But yeah.

My my-pace attitude.

I have a my-pace problem since like long ago. So what is this my-pace problem?! It's when I'm doing stuff according to my own pace, obviously. It's not only about when I'm doing stuff in one-two-three-done only, but also when I'm taking my own sweet time at doing something as well. Which one of these two that I often do?! It's pretty obvious, the taking-my-own-sweet-time one. Yeah. I'm always late for class, for like five minutes and so. Or when I promise to meet up with my friends. But really. everyone seems pretty much okay with it.

Yet, occasionally, when I just feel like it, or when it's something that needs to be carefully planned out (I like to do things step by step and according to schedule), I will have this I-want-to-do-it-now-and-fast attitude. I don't like last minute work when it involves people around me. When it's only me (things like studying or cleaning up my room and stuff), I don't mind taking my time because it will only affect me and myself alone. And I can still force myself not to sleep the night before exam or force myself to sit in front of the lappy ten hours non-stop. I can mentally bare it (sometimes my body can't). But when it involves not just me, I like to plan it out and carefully think of it, and yet get it done quick.

A certain occasion where my friends and I are going to have a graduation trip is currently pissing me off. I made the schedule as fast as I can, asked my mom about accommodation, as well as transport, and I gave my mom our full names for Jogja's tickets. I got almost everything I need to get done, DONE! I even bought my ticket. One of my friend was about to buy the ticket just with the same time with me, but she got problem with her card, that she would have to do it later. That, I'm totally fine with it. Because it's something that cannot be avoided. Yet, another friend of mine have to buy the ticket later than us because she has some problem with her parents.

At one glance, I know that it seems that the last case is unavoidable as well. Or is it?! I've been telling her to ask her parents since like long ago because I know that her parents are pretty strict just like mine, that something like this has to be discussed long before the planned day. I've asked my mom about this since the day I started my third year so that in future I wouldn't have to have any kind of quarrel with her. On the other hand, she said her side is just totally fine and there's nothing to be worried about. Which actually turn out that I have to worry about it now. I hate it when things aren't just according to plan. Yes, I'm being unrealistic, but this is something that supposedly can be prevented from the beginning.

People find this side of me (the I want to get it done quick) annoying. They tend to dislike it. Thing of it as arrogant and selfish. Yes, I admit it. But I've been in the fast track since I was young and it's really difficult to change it. I have to admit that I never didn't get anything that I want. When I wanted an iPod but my dad didn't want to buy it for me, I didn't find it as a problem. I saved some of my allowance and bought it myself. When I wanted a car, my dad said that my mark wasn't good enough to make me eligible to get one. So I worked my ass off so I could get a car. That was how I grew up. Setting up a target, and do whatever I can to get it.

Some said I'm rich and lucky and bla bla bla bla. They just do not know how I got all that. My phone, I bought all of them by saving money from my allowance (not the latest one, because it was a birthday gift). My gadgets like my iPod or wacom graphic tablet, I saved up money to buy them. My camera, yes, this one I have to admit I got it because my dad got sick of it and decided to give it to me. But I was halfway of saving my money to get my own when I got it. Some actually say that I spend alot when I shop. Yes, I do. But really, how many times do I actually go out for shopping?! Like once every one semester?! And some say that it's just ridiculous to buy a KAT-TUN original cd or dvd. So?! I appreciate their music and I pretty much think that the entertainment that I got from it is worth paying for. It's not my problem that they don't like KAT-TUN.

One more thing. I don't get this one friend of mine. Sometimes I feel like I'm part of his circle, yet the next thing I know, I'm not. I can find my self being around his friends and him for like a couple of days, and after that I find myself back in my own pace, doing everything myself, or back with my best friend. It's just somehow tiring when you are part of so many circles of friends. I went to computer lab with my best friend, and his friends and he were there. Okay, I was in a rush and was quite pissed from some incident where my housemate just simply make me have to pay first for my other friend for next three months house rent, that I didn't really greet them. At least one of them, who happens to be Indonesian too, greeted me, and I greeted him back. I could literally heard some of them say, "She's here~.." to this one friend of mine. I glanced at him, and he didn't even bother to look at me, and pretended to look cool. "Eh? She's here?" he replied his friend. If I were you, who do you think the she here?! Obviously you would think that it was you, right?! RIGHT?! What am I?! A statue standing just not far away from him.

I was kind of busy booking my ticket and stuff that I didn't have time to engage in any kind of conversation with him or the rest of his gank. Again, my pace attitude. It's killing my reputation sometimes. Then I walked over to his friend who was sitting in front of him, asking for a calculator. Then to the one beside him, and at the end to him. I talked loud enough for him to hear it but he didn't say anything about HAVING a calculator until I asked him personally! Argh! He even didn't actually look at me when he said he had it or when he gave it to me! I was like blaaaahhhhhh!! AM I ONE OF YOUR CLOSE FRIEND OR NOT?! Please make it clear, dude! Sometimes calls me up for dinner, some other time he didn't even bother my where about.

I think. I'm just tired. I really need to stop being so taking my time or so doing it with my own fast speed, or I will get mentally tired all the time like this. When I feel like doing something extremely quick or fast, but carefully planned, it wears me out. Mentally. And people around me sometimes doesn't understand that. I'm a moody person, and yes I'm aware of that. It's not that I'm not trying to change it, I am trying. So yeah.

You?! Mature?! You gotta be kidding me!

The title says it all after all. Yes, really. I get that a lot! When I say I'm mature, people will tend to give me a disapproving look. I may not act like an adult, but it doesn't mean I'm not mature. I'm twenty, people. Keep that in mind please. Have you seen anyone that is about the same age as I am?! Does any one of them act like I do?! I bet, no. None of them.

On average, my friends are around 21-22 years old, and quite a number of them are 23-25 years old. I've been the youngest since my pre-u time. It's just an obvious fact that I will act childish or act less mature than anyone of them, but really, don't you guys realise that I act older than I am?! Another friend of mine, just a few months older than me (and yet I call him uncle XP~), is just another similar case. He's even worse maybe. He acts too old for his age. Hahaha..

Anyway, back to the main topic. Not being rascal or doing what others are doing doesn't make me any less mature. And it doesn't mean I'm naive and just a kid and do not know the real world. No, I don't smoke. No, I don't drink. And no, I don't go clubbing. That doesn't make me any less mature than anyone else. I believe in my religion and have been trying my best to live my life up to its standard.

But, it doesn't make me a holy person that you have the right to judge me if I do something wrong. I mess up sometimes, of course. I swear a lot, and I'm working my ass off to stop swearing. I did some bad stuff that you wouldn't even want to know what. But I don't have to tell the whole world about it. And so I wear veil, but please, stop asking me "Can I see your hair?! I wanna see I wanna see". Well, too bad if you are a guy, unless you are married to me or my relative, then you wouldn't get to see it. Seriously, each time you ask me to show you my hair, there is a certain part of me that wants to. Wants to just show you the newest hair style I have. Wants to show the rest of the world that I'm just like any other young adult; victim of fashion (Yes, I dyed and highlighted my hair. I even permed it!). And if you ask me a simple question like, "Will you show your hair to your boyfriend?" I will definitely answer you with "No, I won't". But I'm a normal human being, and by saying so, I know that deep inside I won't mind my boyfriend seeing my hair at all. Like I said, I mess up too.

It's hard. Really. To try to hold to what I believe in. Don't tell me that I'm a good girl and I don't know how it feels like to be fucked up. I know how it feels like, okay. Maybe our definition of being fucked up is different. But really, doesn't it mean only one thing; you messed up. I messed up lots of times before. Big time. No one has the idea of how hard it is not to be tempted but everything around you. Do you have any idea how tempting it is to see someone smoking?! Or drinking?!

Smoking is the hardest part. My dad smokes, my cousins smoke, and most of my close friends smoke. There is always this urge to try it out, thinking that maybe by doing so I can forget about my problem for awhile and able to enjoy that one little moment of sweetness. I have asthma, and smoking is not an option for me. Drinking?! I know a lot about it, for someone that don't drink. I know the brands, the names, the mixtures, and bla bla bla. Have it ever occur to you that deep down I want to try it too? To at least know how it tastes like?! To know how sophisticated it feels to taste that one glass of tequila mixed with orange juice and grenadine syrup?! The colour itself has tempted me so much.

Back to what I was saying earlier; not doing or acting like an adult doesn't make me any less mature than anyone else. Or less screwed up like anyone else. I believe that being able to restrain myself from doing stuff that I believe I shouldn't do is an act of maturity itself. Not even adults themselves have the courage or will to do so.

I don't mind being called childish in a joking way, but it does get to my nerves sometimes when people say I'm the good girl and I don't know how it feels like to be fucked up, at the end of the day implying the fact that I don't smoke, drink, or do clubbing thus I don't know how it feels like to be them. In fact, I do. Because I see these kind of thing regularly in my everyday life. And I don't have to be fucked up to actually know how it feels like to be literally fucked up.