Friday, November 13, 2009
friendship
Friday, October 23, 2009
bad mood!
UK
Sunday, September 13, 2009
It's his birthday
Saturday, August 22, 2009
how to stop this?
JC said I should stop being passive and start making my move. I thought it was possible, but really when I got basically no respon from whatever I do, I literally just gave up. Please someone remind me again why I'm stuck in this stupid situation?!
It's like I'm being worried about something that is not even confirmed yet. Or I'm being paranoid over something that I know might not even there. Not only that, those little hopes that keep on popping out each time are killing me. Please.. stop.
I'm not the type of person that actually really care about something like this, but I always end up brust when my heart cannot take it already. I actually cried, just like that. I woke up just like any other day, and I just started crying. I didn't know why, but I just did. I was supposed to be driving that day, but thank god Pris was being a great best friend like she had always been and decided to drive my car to Cinileasure that day.
Seriously, it really does come to the point where I feel like such a loser. I really do not understand why. But I want to show my affection, and I believe I do. Yet it seems like it fails. Even until now honestly. When I thought it's finally over (because JC told me that I wouldn't have to be bothered about it after exam ended), things turned out to be different. Unexpected, and it reminds me of how I feel.
Stop.. please.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Miracles
I wasn't the one that experience it. It was merely just a role that I play. How long has it been? About eight months, I believe. It was just a role. Writting out from his point of view, controlling his every move, as well as deciding on what type of person he is. It was really, just a role that I play. Never really thought playing such role would end up giving me the best lesson ever. On how important it is for us to actually be thankful of those little miracles that are given.
Have I even actully thought that being able to breathe, walk, see, and live is actually a miracle? I don't think so. Being born, being taken care for, and being guided are miracles. We were just born with those little inactive brain cells. Learning process was all we took to become what we are today. Have I ever realised that those songs that I learned how to sing when I was small actually helping me to activate those brain cells? It's brilliant, the way those brain cells work with just a little stimulating from simple routine.
To think that we were just nothing but two different sets of chromosomes, it's amazing how these created a human being. And how those DNA lines managed to form our personality, our hair colour, our face, and even something like skin colour. Somehow, I feel excited when I see a pregnant lady. I was like, "She's going to have the greatest miracle ever."
Okay. Now, I sound as if I want kids of my own -___-"
Anyway, back to main topics. So this role of mine that I've been playing for quite sometimes really make me feel that there are lots of simple things that I often miss out. I never really noticed how much simple conversation can often makes you feel better. Say, it is early morning and being greeted kindly with some simple questions like "Have you had your breakfast?" or "What are you planning to do today?" actually boosts up your mood. If the first thing in the morning that you get is some hard scold and criticism, the chance of your day being misarable is really high.
What I notice from my summer holiday is how much a little privacy sometimes makes me feel better. The day when I can have my time in front of my laptop right after I wake up actually makes me less moody. Typical awesome day will be waking up from my own alarm, turning the laptop on and put on some music, brush teeth, and I'll be walking around the house just for the sake of letting everyone knows that I'm awake. Then things tend to get easier. When my mom asks me to go out with her, despite the fact that I have nothing to do with it, I tend to just agree with it - unlike any other day when I wake up because of the banging on my door and the grumpy noise outside my room and me walking to the bathroom lazily and unwillingly where my chances of saying NO is much higher.
In short, our way of treating people around us will indeed create some sort of "miracle", simply because I believe that a good day is a bless and it is counted as a miracle.
I don't know what I'm writing really. But yeah.
Monday, May 25, 2009
My my-pace attitude.
Yet, occasionally, when I just feel like it, or when it's something that needs to be carefully planned out (I like to do things step by step and according to schedule), I will have this I-want-to-do-it-now-and-fast attitude. I don't like last minute work when it involves people around me. When it's only me (things like studying or cleaning up my room and stuff), I don't mind taking my time because it will only affect me and myself alone. And I can still force myself not to sleep the night before exam or force myself to sit in front of the lappy ten hours non-stop. I can mentally bare it (sometimes my body can't). But when it involves not just me, I like to plan it out and carefully think of it, and yet get it done quick.
A certain occasion where my friends and I are going to have a graduation trip is currently pissing me off. I made the schedule as fast as I can, asked my mom about accommodation, as well as transport, and I gave my mom our full names for Jogja's tickets. I got almost everything I need to get done, DONE! I even bought my ticket. One of my friend was about to buy the ticket just with the same time with me, but she got problem with her card, that she would have to do it later. That, I'm totally fine with it. Because it's something that cannot be avoided. Yet, another friend of mine have to buy the ticket later than us because she has some problem with her parents.
At one glance, I know that it seems that the last case is unavoidable as well. Or is it?! I've been telling her to ask her parents since like long ago because I know that her parents are pretty strict just like mine, that something like this has to be discussed long before the planned day. I've asked my mom about this since the day I started my third year so that in future I wouldn't have to have any kind of quarrel with her. On the other hand, she said her side is just totally fine and there's nothing to be worried about. Which actually turn out that I have to worry about it now. I hate it when things aren't just according to plan. Yes, I'm being unrealistic, but this is something that supposedly can be prevented from the beginning.
People find this side of me (the I want to get it done quick) annoying. They tend to dislike it. Thing of it as arrogant and selfish. Yes, I admit it. But I've been in the fast track since I was young and it's really difficult to change it. I have to admit that I never didn't get anything that I want. When I wanted an iPod but my dad didn't want to buy it for me, I didn't find it as a problem. I saved some of my allowance and bought it myself. When I wanted a car, my dad said that my mark wasn't good enough to make me eligible to get one. So I worked my ass off so I could get a car. That was how I grew up. Setting up a target, and do whatever I can to get it.
Some said I'm rich and lucky and bla bla bla bla. They just do not know how I got all that. My phone, I bought all of them by saving money from my allowance (not the latest one, because it was a birthday gift). My gadgets like my iPod or wacom graphic tablet, I saved up money to buy them. My camera, yes, this one I have to admit I got it because my dad got sick of it and decided to give it to me. But I was halfway of saving my money to get my own when I got it. Some actually say that I spend alot when I shop. Yes, I do. But really, how many times do I actually go out for shopping?! Like once every one semester?! And some say that it's just ridiculous to buy a KAT-TUN original cd or dvd. So?! I appreciate their music and I pretty much think that the entertainment that I got from it is worth paying for. It's not my problem that they don't like KAT-TUN.
One more thing. I don't get this one friend of mine. Sometimes I feel like I'm part of his circle, yet the next thing I know, I'm not. I can find my self being around his friends and him for like a couple of days, and after that I find myself back in my own pace, doing everything myself, or back with my best friend. It's just somehow tiring when you are part of so many circles of friends. I went to computer lab with my best friend, and his friends and he were there. Okay, I was in a rush and was quite pissed from some incident where my housemate just simply make me have to pay first for my other friend for next three months house rent, that I didn't really greet them. At least one of them, who happens to be Indonesian too, greeted me, and I greeted him back. I could literally heard some of them say, "She's here~.." to this one friend of mine. I glanced at him, and he didn't even bother to look at me, and pretended to look cool. "Eh? She's here?" he replied his friend. If I were you, who do you think the she here?! Obviously you would think that it was you, right?! RIGHT?! What am I?! A statue standing just not far away from him.
I was kind of busy booking my ticket and stuff that I didn't have time to engage in any kind of conversation with him or the rest of his gank. Again, my pace attitude. It's killing my reputation sometimes. Then I walked over to his friend who was sitting in front of him, asking for a calculator. Then to the one beside him, and at the end to him. I talked loud enough for him to hear it but he didn't say anything about HAVING a calculator until I asked him personally! Argh! He even didn't actually look at me when he said he had it or when he gave it to me! I was like blaaaahhhhhh!! AM I ONE OF YOUR CLOSE FRIEND OR NOT?! Please make it clear, dude! Sometimes calls me up for dinner, some other time he didn't even bother my where about.
I think. I'm just tired. I really need to stop being so taking my time or so doing it with my own fast speed, or I will get mentally tired all the time like this. When I feel like doing something extremely quick or fast, but carefully planned, it wears me out. Mentally. And people around me sometimes doesn't understand that. I'm a moody person, and yes I'm aware of that. It's not that I'm not trying to change it, I am trying. So yeah.
