My my-pace attitude.

I have a my-pace problem since like long ago. So what is this my-pace problem?! It's when I'm doing stuff according to my own pace, obviously. It's not only about when I'm doing stuff in one-two-three-done only, but also when I'm taking my own sweet time at doing something as well. Which one of these two that I often do?! It's pretty obvious, the taking-my-own-sweet-time one. Yeah. I'm always late for class, for like five minutes and so. Or when I promise to meet up with my friends. But really. everyone seems pretty much okay with it.

Yet, occasionally, when I just feel like it, or when it's something that needs to be carefully planned out (I like to do things step by step and according to schedule), I will have this I-want-to-do-it-now-and-fast attitude. I don't like last minute work when it involves people around me. When it's only me (things like studying or cleaning up my room and stuff), I don't mind taking my time because it will only affect me and myself alone. And I can still force myself not to sleep the night before exam or force myself to sit in front of the lappy ten hours non-stop. I can mentally bare it (sometimes my body can't). But when it involves not just me, I like to plan it out and carefully think of it, and yet get it done quick.

A certain occasion where my friends and I are going to have a graduation trip is currently pissing me off. I made the schedule as fast as I can, asked my mom about accommodation, as well as transport, and I gave my mom our full names for Jogja's tickets. I got almost everything I need to get done, DONE! I even bought my ticket. One of my friend was about to buy the ticket just with the same time with me, but she got problem with her card, that she would have to do it later. That, I'm totally fine with it. Because it's something that cannot be avoided. Yet, another friend of mine have to buy the ticket later than us because she has some problem with her parents.

At one glance, I know that it seems that the last case is unavoidable as well. Or is it?! I've been telling her to ask her parents since like long ago because I know that her parents are pretty strict just like mine, that something like this has to be discussed long before the planned day. I've asked my mom about this since the day I started my third year so that in future I wouldn't have to have any kind of quarrel with her. On the other hand, she said her side is just totally fine and there's nothing to be worried about. Which actually turn out that I have to worry about it now. I hate it when things aren't just according to plan. Yes, I'm being unrealistic, but this is something that supposedly can be prevented from the beginning.

People find this side of me (the I want to get it done quick) annoying. They tend to dislike it. Thing of it as arrogant and selfish. Yes, I admit it. But I've been in the fast track since I was young and it's really difficult to change it. I have to admit that I never didn't get anything that I want. When I wanted an iPod but my dad didn't want to buy it for me, I didn't find it as a problem. I saved some of my allowance and bought it myself. When I wanted a car, my dad said that my mark wasn't good enough to make me eligible to get one. So I worked my ass off so I could get a car. That was how I grew up. Setting up a target, and do whatever I can to get it.

Some said I'm rich and lucky and bla bla bla bla. They just do not know how I got all that. My phone, I bought all of them by saving money from my allowance (not the latest one, because it was a birthday gift). My gadgets like my iPod or wacom graphic tablet, I saved up money to buy them. My camera, yes, this one I have to admit I got it because my dad got sick of it and decided to give it to me. But I was halfway of saving my money to get my own when I got it. Some actually say that I spend alot when I shop. Yes, I do. But really, how many times do I actually go out for shopping?! Like once every one semester?! And some say that it's just ridiculous to buy a KAT-TUN original cd or dvd. So?! I appreciate their music and I pretty much think that the entertainment that I got from it is worth paying for. It's not my problem that they don't like KAT-TUN.

One more thing. I don't get this one friend of mine. Sometimes I feel like I'm part of his circle, yet the next thing I know, I'm not. I can find my self being around his friends and him for like a couple of days, and after that I find myself back in my own pace, doing everything myself, or back with my best friend. It's just somehow tiring when you are part of so many circles of friends. I went to computer lab with my best friend, and his friends and he were there. Okay, I was in a rush and was quite pissed from some incident where my housemate just simply make me have to pay first for my other friend for next three months house rent, that I didn't really greet them. At least one of them, who happens to be Indonesian too, greeted me, and I greeted him back. I could literally heard some of them say, "She's here~.." to this one friend of mine. I glanced at him, and he didn't even bother to look at me, and pretended to look cool. "Eh? She's here?" he replied his friend. If I were you, who do you think the she here?! Obviously you would think that it was you, right?! RIGHT?! What am I?! A statue standing just not far away from him.

I was kind of busy booking my ticket and stuff that I didn't have time to engage in any kind of conversation with him or the rest of his gank. Again, my pace attitude. It's killing my reputation sometimes. Then I walked over to his friend who was sitting in front of him, asking for a calculator. Then to the one beside him, and at the end to him. I talked loud enough for him to hear it but he didn't say anything about HAVING a calculator until I asked him personally! Argh! He even didn't actually look at me when he said he had it or when he gave it to me! I was like blaaaahhhhhh!! AM I ONE OF YOUR CLOSE FRIEND OR NOT?! Please make it clear, dude! Sometimes calls me up for dinner, some other time he didn't even bother my where about.

I think. I'm just tired. I really need to stop being so taking my time or so doing it with my own fast speed, or I will get mentally tired all the time like this. When I feel like doing something extremely quick or fast, but carefully planned, it wears me out. Mentally. And people around me sometimes doesn't understand that. I'm a moody person, and yes I'm aware of that. It's not that I'm not trying to change it, I am trying. So yeah.

You?! Mature?! You gotta be kidding me!

The title says it all after all. Yes, really. I get that a lot! When I say I'm mature, people will tend to give me a disapproving look. I may not act like an adult, but it doesn't mean I'm not mature. I'm twenty, people. Keep that in mind please. Have you seen anyone that is about the same age as I am?! Does any one of them act like I do?! I bet, no. None of them.

On average, my friends are around 21-22 years old, and quite a number of them are 23-25 years old. I've been the youngest since my pre-u time. It's just an obvious fact that I will act childish or act less mature than anyone of them, but really, don't you guys realise that I act older than I am?! Another friend of mine, just a few months older than me (and yet I call him uncle XP~), is just another similar case. He's even worse maybe. He acts too old for his age. Hahaha..

Anyway, back to the main topic. Not being rascal or doing what others are doing doesn't make me any less mature. And it doesn't mean I'm naive and just a kid and do not know the real world. No, I don't smoke. No, I don't drink. And no, I don't go clubbing. That doesn't make me any less mature than anyone else. I believe in my religion and have been trying my best to live my life up to its standard.

But, it doesn't make me a holy person that you have the right to judge me if I do something wrong. I mess up sometimes, of course. I swear a lot, and I'm working my ass off to stop swearing. I did some bad stuff that you wouldn't even want to know what. But I don't have to tell the whole world about it. And so I wear veil, but please, stop asking me "Can I see your hair?! I wanna see I wanna see". Well, too bad if you are a guy, unless you are married to me or my relative, then you wouldn't get to see it. Seriously, each time you ask me to show you my hair, there is a certain part of me that wants to. Wants to just show you the newest hair style I have. Wants to show the rest of the world that I'm just like any other young adult; victim of fashion (Yes, I dyed and highlighted my hair. I even permed it!). And if you ask me a simple question like, "Will you show your hair to your boyfriend?" I will definitely answer you with "No, I won't". But I'm a normal human being, and by saying so, I know that deep inside I won't mind my boyfriend seeing my hair at all. Like I said, I mess up too.

It's hard. Really. To try to hold to what I believe in. Don't tell me that I'm a good girl and I don't know how it feels like to be fucked up. I know how it feels like, okay. Maybe our definition of being fucked up is different. But really, doesn't it mean only one thing; you messed up. I messed up lots of times before. Big time. No one has the idea of how hard it is not to be tempted but everything around you. Do you have any idea how tempting it is to see someone smoking?! Or drinking?!

Smoking is the hardest part. My dad smokes, my cousins smoke, and most of my close friends smoke. There is always this urge to try it out, thinking that maybe by doing so I can forget about my problem for awhile and able to enjoy that one little moment of sweetness. I have asthma, and smoking is not an option for me. Drinking?! I know a lot about it, for someone that don't drink. I know the brands, the names, the mixtures, and bla bla bla. Have it ever occur to you that deep down I want to try it too? To at least know how it tastes like?! To know how sophisticated it feels to taste that one glass of tequila mixed with orange juice and grenadine syrup?! The colour itself has tempted me so much.

Back to what I was saying earlier; not doing or acting like an adult doesn't make me any less mature than anyone else. Or less screwed up like anyone else. I believe that being able to restrain myself from doing stuff that I believe I shouldn't do is an act of maturity itself. Not even adults themselves have the courage or will to do so.

I don't mind being called childish in a joking way, but it does get to my nerves sometimes when people say I'm the good girl and I don't know how it feels like to be fucked up, at the end of the day implying the fact that I don't smoke, drink, or do clubbing thus I don't know how it feels like to be them. In fact, I do. Because I see these kind of thing regularly in my everyday life. And I don't have to be fucked up to actually know how it feels like to be literally fucked up.

Gu Gu Gah Gah!

I'm trying to be this one optimistic girl that I was once. But really, don't you find it harder to do so the older you get?! One thing I realised about age is that, it is indeed will affect how you potray life and how you would react to a certain reaction. Upon a realisation of how the world is actually not as naive as it seems, I realise that an old song from my home country, where it says that world is merely just a stage with human being as acting on it, is not just based on something empty.

The possibility of what you say is just an act, or merely something to avoid conflict, keeps on getting higher by every tick that the clock made. I'm aware of how thick the mask I'm wearing at the moment. Particularly because I believe people don't really see me as I am. They see only what I want them to see. The impression of me from a friend will be totally different from another friend. Reason? Pretty simple. I wear different mask and act differently to different people.

So, does that mean I'm fake? Not necessarily. Those masks are pretty much part of the self identity that I claim to have. I have many. Lots of them. I can define myself both from the positive point of view and negative point of view. So, who am I actually? That will be totally depend on which side of me I'm showing you. You can assure that I'm pretty not close to you if I act REALLY nice. Getting involve with someone that don't interest me or I don't really comfortable to be with are not something I like. I will most probably keep some distance.

So what if I'm being really mean and yet in the same time always sounds polite and nice to you? Simple. I don't like you. I tend to criticize those that I despise a lot. Every single thing that comes out from their mouth is just another opportunity to actually throw some knives around, if possible directly to them. Yet in the same time, I don't like to be a bitch. Or at least that obvious. It would be one reason why I will still act nice and polite to you. But really, this one is a very rare occasion.

Then you might start wondering around, what about when I'm actually being sarcastic, always tease you around, never praise you, and yet always there with you when you ask me to? Oh come on, I'm pretty sure that you are not an idiot. Just simply because I love you!! I'm not good at expressing my feelings to those that I love. Saying "I love you" to them usually something pretty absurd for me. But when I actually do say it, I ALWAYS mean it. Of course despite the fact that I might say that I was just joking after that, I really actually ALWAYS mean it.

So what's love for me?! Loads of thing. I love my family and friends. Love is not just something I feel towards someone that I got attracted to (read: crush, boyfriend, husband). It has a wide meaning, really.

Probably by you start to wondering how all this related to my first statement of how I would love to become this one optimistic girl again. Very simple. By accepting the fact that human being is complex and that reality might actually just a play on a glamorous stage, I can start thinking more positively.

Oh.. It's 6pm.. Gotta go. Dinner date (read: this is a massive lie)

Ended. And shit it hurts.

Dear my love,

I've been thinking about it. I've been wanting to end it. But I never expect it to hurt so much when it actually did. Oh yeah. It ended.

I didn't even cry, but I'm fully aware that my heart is currently bleeding. It feels so painful. Maybe it's my ego that makes me do not even want to cry, but I would be lying if I said I was actually happy with what we had. Probably I was, in the beginning. But lately it had been more towards hurting me than making me happy.

I loved you, and still am loving you. But I've been realising all this time that it seemed to be not working out and yet I had been trying my best to fix it. Maybe it was just because we never meant to be. Or maybe we are better off as friends.

Do I feel regret? No, I don't. It taught me something important. Probably it's my lost, or maybe it's actually your lost and not mine. It doesn't matter anymore though. The fact that we ended it without even trying to fix it is a proof enough for me, that none of us bothered about this anymore.

Still. I didn't expect it to be so painful.

-------------

Dear Dini,

Thank you so much to listen to me rambling about this at 6am in the morning. You have no idea how much you actually make me feel relieved and better with your words. You've been the greatest friend I ever had and those words meant alot to me. I wouldn't be able to make it through the morning if it wasn't because of you.

Just like what you said before. Maybe it's for the best. And I believe that this is just God giving me a new beginning. Nek, thanks alot for being there for me when I need a shoulder to cry on. Love you.

i'm not sure honey..

There are so much I want to tell you about. About my life, about people around me, about how I've been doing. But it seems so hard each time. You just don't let me to. From the way you write, from the fact that you share with me, you just don't give me the space to say something about how I've been doing.

I know it has been hard on you with all that, but I feel left out. I'm trying my best to be supportive, but it has come to the point where I don't even know what else to say or where we are standing right now. I'm an extrovert, everyone knows that. This is the very first time in my life that I can't even say a thing about my self. Not because I do not want to, but my tongue just ties it self and refuses to say anything. I feel reluctant to say anything.

Just because my stupid unconscious mind keeps on telling me, "It's not worth it to tell you anything, because you don't even bother to find out about how I've been doing. Or just to tell me that at least you are still alive."

I'm not sure honey. I'm not sure how long I can last.

Actually. Not.

I'm not smiling. Yet I still write :) on every chance I have.

I'm not amused. Yet I will still write ROFL.

I'm not alone. Yet I know that something is still missing.

I'm not dumb. Yet I still hold onto this meaningless hope.

I'm not loved. Yet I still make sure that you feel loved.

I'm not satisfied. Yet I can't tell you about it.

Or to be exact..

I can't tell you about anything anymore.

My heart just won't let me.

My heart is screaming no more of this.

My heart does not want to feel the emptiness.

My heart does not want to give effort that at the end is not mutual.

Yet.

I'm happy actually.

Not.

Not Logical

I thought I would definitely feel so happy when it happened, but I didn't. There is something in human's feeling that is really hard to understand. The part where you heart just never goes according to logic. I've lost contact with someone for quite sometimes. Usually we always talked to each other every single day and had fun doing so.

I'm not sure about her, but when we finally contact each other again, I just ran out of topics. Logically speaking, I would have about tons of stuff to talk about because I haven't talked to her for the past few weeks. Yet, I couldn't even say anything interesting. Not even the fact that, let say, I'm worried over my result that is coming out tomorrow.

It seemed that there is this distance between the two of us that make us unable to communicate like we use to. Ehm.. Not logical, really. Especially considered how close the two of us are.

Yet again, there is a possibility of me being mad at her quite some times ago. Maybe, I feel reluctant to share all the happiness and sadness that I had encountered for the past few weeks. That is just a maybe. And yet maybe, I just need my time.

To be honest, it takes quite sometimes for me to forgive someone. I take grudge easily, and it is quite difficult for me to forget. It may not seem as if I'm mad or agree at someone, but if you are pretty close to me, it would be obvious because I tend to talk less at time like this.

And illogically, I would easily forgive someone if he/she directly said sorry and started to act as if nothing happened.

Probably this is exactly what happened between me and her. No one did anything wrong, it was just me being mad at her a few weeks ago, for reason that I must admit was quite selfish. It seems that because she is also acting a little awkward talking to me that I found it really hard to have a conversation.

And yes, probably I just need to take my time.

By the way, result is coming out tomorrow. *dies*